


Love Is Colder Than Death

by welshremus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Enemies to Lovers, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Period-Typical Homophobia, Sirius is a scheming dick, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:34:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22881097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/welshremus/pseuds/welshremus
Summary: Seventh year had started off perfectly fine if you had asked Sirius, well it was until a mysterious American boy transferred to Hogwarts.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 47
Kudos: 130





	1. Bundle of Joy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lunchbucket](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunchbucket/gifts).



> This was originally going to be for Remus Lupin Fest but I felt it focused too much on Sirius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you as always to the lovely lunchbucket who is an absolute angel for being my beta (even though this was a gift for you)

**4TH OF SEPTEMBER, 1977**

SMOKE filled Sirius’ lungs as he took a drag of the cigarette and passed it onto Peter who was sitting on his bed doing the homework assigned to him in potions. James has been called away by Professor McGonagall, Sirius figured it was for Head Boy duties as he got a letter a week before school started about it. 

Sirius didn’t like James being Head Boy, it felt like a betrayal of the highest order. How are they going to have fun and muck around when James has to uphold rules? It just doesn’t work that way and it wasn’t as though he had even been a prefect. Kingsley Shacklebolt was their prefect. Wasn't it against the rules to have someone who wasn’t a prefect become Head Boy? It was an outrage.

“If you’re going to smoke, can you at least open the bloody window?” Kingsley huffed when he opened the door to their dormitory. 

“Don’t you have better things to do, or did your boyfriend get bored of bending over for you?” Sirius snapped back. Kingsley just raised an eyebrow at him in return.

It was well known around the school that Kingsley was into guys, he had been caught on his knees in front of a Hufflepuff guy by Severus. The rumours about his sexuality quickly went around the school, yet who the Hufflepuff was that was equally involved in the event was quickly forgotten. It seemed that nobody but Kingsley and Severus knew who it was, if the latter even remembered. Hufflepuff was already known as a bunch of flower power queers, it was hardly interesting that one of them actually were queer.

Kingsley stuck his nose up at Sirius as he went and cracked open the window. Sometimes Sirius wondered what would happen if he pushed Peter out of the window, but always felt guilty about even thinking about doing it to his friend. It wasn't as if he genuinely wanted to kill Peter, but would he actually die or would there be a protection spell to stop it happening? Kingsley shot a look at him, one that Sirius couldn’t quite decipher. “You’re lucky we’re in the same house and we’re already losing the House Cup.”

Sirius just grunted back at him. Being honest with himself, he didn’t give a shit about who won the House Cup as long as it wasn’t Slytherin. Also, it was only their fourth day back, it wasn’t as though they didn’t have time to get points back. James now being head boy did have some perks, he could take points away from the snakes and give them to Gryffindor. Kingsley worried too much. 

“How was the queer convention?” Peter asked Kingsley, referring to the prefect’s meeting that they assumed James was at.

“There wasn’t one tonight,” Kingsley stood at the edge of Sirius’ bed, looking down at him unamused. 

Sirius sat up straight, shooting a concerned look to Peter. It was not like James to take off without them. “What do you mean there wasn’t one tonight? Where is James?” 

“How should I know, he's your boyfriend not mine,” Kingsley smirked, probably glad that he got back at Sirius for earlier boyfriend comment.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “You think you’re so smart.”

“We both know that I am,” Kingsley said before closing his book and leaving the room, not without slipping Sirius a note on his way out. 

“Merlin, he’s such a swot, I hate him,” Peter announced.

When Sirius was satisfied enough that Peter’s attention was on his homework, he opened the note from Kingsley. In Kingsley’s neat cursive writing, it read, ‘ _ You’re lucky that you have a pretty mouth. Prefect’s bathroom tomorrow morning at 7? x’.  _ With that, Sirius quickly ripped up the note so Peter or James couldn’t read it. 

He wasn’t Kingsley’s boyfriend, Sirius refused to put any label on them that meant dating. At most, they messed around together and whenever Kingsley tried to get anything more than sex out of him, Sirius put his foot down. He wasn’t ashamed of being bent, he just didn’t want people at school to know about it; especially the Slytherins. Once school ended, maybe he’d date Kingsley. It wasn’t like he had a stick up his arse all the time, it was just around James and Peter that it really seemed to exist. Kingsley was also rather attractive, he was tall and black, his hair resembled something similar to Jimi Hendrix’s.

If they did eventually get together, it would mean he would have to come out to James and Peter. That didn’t exactly make Sirius excited at all. They made jokes about being homosexuals, for Sirius to be one might ruin their friendship. Also James would definitely think that Sirius is in love with him, which he never has been. The bright side was at least he didn’t have to worry about his parents since he had ran away when he was sixteen. 

Sirius looked over at Kingsley’s bed, trying to imagine what it would be like if they did become boyfriends. Would Kingsley move into Sirius’ flat? Would they sit across from each other at restaurants? Would Kingsley take care of him when he could barely do it himself? That was something Sirius figured the other half hadn’t thought of. All the baggage Sirius came with, it wasn’t as if it would be a walk in the park.

“Sirius, you okay?” Peter asked, his voice breaking through Sirius’ daydream about Kingsley.

“Yeah, fine.” Sirius shook his head and came up with an idea. “Grab the invisibility cloak.”

“Why?” Peter asked yet didn’t move from the spot he was sitting.

“We’re going behind enemy lines here, we need to find out what James is doing,” Sirius explained getting off his bed and looked around the room, trying to remember who last had the map. They can’t have already lost it, not when they haven't been back at school for even a week yet.

“It’s not even after curfew, we don’t have to sneak around,” Peter explained as if Sirius couldn’t tell the time, which he insisted he could even though most of his teachers wouldn’t agree with that sentiment.

Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose. Sometimes he wondered if Peter even had a working brain because sometimes it just seemed to only be lard in there. “How do we know that we will find him before then? No. Cloak, now.”

“If we’re using the map, we will find him before then,” Peter argued with some reason.

“What if he’s in the forest, huh?” Sirius said thinking on his feet, trying to not appear as if he hadn’t thought of that. 

“Merlin, you’re fucking paranoid,” Peter said but opened James’ trunk regardless of what he thought it.

Sirius grabbed the map from his bedside table as he was the last one that had used it. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” Sirius said clearly. 

The map revealed itself to him. From what it looked like, everyone was mainly in their common rooms. He found James in Dumbledore’s office, along with Professor McGonagall and someone called Remus Lupin. “Oi, Peter. Who is Remus Lupin?”

“Dunno, never heard that name. Why?” Peter asked walking over to Sirius with the cloak in his arms.

“James is with them,” Sirius explained.

“Maybe it’s a First Year.” Peter shrugged looking at the map, not caring if their best friend was with a murderer. 

Sirius rolled his eyes. “What if he is a murderer?”

“Well, Minnie and Dumbledore are there. James should be fine,” Peter said as he put the cloak away, clearly giving up on the mission before it even began. 

“Where is your sense of adventure? Did you misplace it for treacle tart?” Sirius grumbled.

Peter sighed. “You know Sirius, you’re quite mean.”

“Grow a spine for once, Wormtail.” Sirius rolled his eyes. 

Peter folded his arms trying to make himself look tougher than he actually is. “And you wonder why Dorcas dislikes you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Sirius growled. 

Dorcas Meadowes was in Ravenclaw and was known as the most attractive girl in the school. While Sirius didn’t want to be with her, it was expected that they would get together because that was the logic everyone had. Two hot people must get together despite that they had nothing in common and actually despised each other. Sometimes he played along with the whole rumour of him having a crush, mainly to make James feel better about Lily, but the truth was that he couldn’t stand Dorcas. But ultimately, him having a crush on a girl certainly did create a good cover for him being gay, so he went along with it.

“You can’t get a date with her because you’re a fucking cunt.” Peter pushed Sirius’ shoulder.

“Wow, did you two want some time alone?” Kingsley said as he stood in the door frame. Sirius wasn’t even aware he was back from wherever he went. His eyes were wide as he watched Sirius and Peter fling insults at each other. 

“Fuck off Kingsley, nobody fucking likes you either,” Peter looked over to Kingsley, his nostrils flaring. Sirius didn’t even know nostrils could flare, especially Peter’s because of his total lack of coordination.

“Sirius?” Kingsley looked over to Sirius, obviously wanting him to defend him, but Sirius just looked down at his feet instead. It wasn’t his fault, Kingsley should know that he would choose his friend over a guy he gets off with. Kingsley sighed loudly and ran his fingers through his hair. “Thanks.”

Sirius watched Kingsley flop onto his bed, he knew tomorrow morning he’d want to talk about it. That was one thing Sirius couldn’t be bothered with relationships, the whole talking about your feelings and communicating. Kingsley knew what Sirius was like getting into whatever this was, it wasn’t as if he pretended to be anything but an arsehole, yet Kingsley was always trying to change him. It was bloody frustrating.

Without a sound, Sirius sat down on his bed. “Mischief managed,” he whispered and closed the map before putting it on his bedside table. 

The dormitory door flung open and James stepped into the room with a lanky boy that was taller behind him, which was saying something because James was reasonably tall himself. 

“Dickheads, this is Remus Lupin. He’s new and American,” James announced.

“American?” Peter asked. 

Hogwarts had never had an American student, or at least not while they’d been alive. North America had its own school, why would they need to come to the other side of the world to go to school? It wasn’t even like Hogwarts ever got new kids either, the only new students were First Years who had been accepted when they were 11-years-old. It seemed odd and something that Sirius will definitely need to get to the bottom of.

“Yep, American,” James repeated.

“Merlin, I need a fag,” Sirius groaned and pulled out a cigarette. He lit it with a lighter he had stolen from a muggle store during the summer. The new kid, Remus Lupin, was staring at Sirius with bewilderment. His name was stupid, who named their kid after someone who was murdered by their brother, also two wolf-related names seemed a little bit ridiculous even by Sirius’ standards and he had a cousin called Nymphadora. “Remus Lupin, what sort of name is that?” 

“You’re one to talk, Black,” Kingsley retorted.

“I wasn’t fucking speaking to you, go back to your fucking knitting,” Sirius replied with an ease, but looked over at Kingsley trying to catch his eye.

If they did get together, would all this stop? Would Kingsley and him be amicable in front of people or would they still be dicks to each other? It didn’t really seem healthy either way.

“He’s rather quiet, isn’t he?” Peter looked at Remus curiously.

“Probably because Mr Big Mouth hasn't let him say anything,” James said flopping onto his bed.

“Don’t be a cunt,” Sirius rolled his eyes. 

Remus stood in the doorway, looking like Bambi, not knowing where to go. It wasn’t like it was difficult to figure out which bed would be his, it was the one that had no one on it. Since he was standing in the doorway, Sirius couldn’t help but take advantage of him standing still and take in his appearance. He looked around 195cm, skinny, and had short brown curly hair that hung over his eyes. In Sirius’ eyes he was gorgeous, but it didn’t take a lot to be that.

“That’s your bed,” Kingsley pointed to the bed between him and Sirius, the one that separated him from the rest of the Gryffindor boys. The curtains were drawn shut and a trunk that Sirius hadn’t noticed until now was sitting at the foot of the bed.

Without speaking Remus walked across the room, opened the curtains and sat on the bed before closing them again.

“Wow, isn’t he a bundle of joy,” Sirius said sarcastically.


	2. Mary MacDonald

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, thank you to Lunchbucket for being my beta. Love you loads <3

**5TH OF SEPTEMBER, 1977**

AFTER getting off with Kingsley and waiting for Peter and James to get ready for the day, they went down to the hall for breakfast. To Sirius’ surprise the new kid was sitting with Mary and Lily, and they were all laughing. 

“Whatever he said couldn’t be that funny,” James lamented as he sat down and looked down the table at Lily, whose head was tilted back in laughter.

“It probably was,” Peter said tactlessly. Sirius shot him a glare, hoping to convey that he shouldn’t have said it. Peter shrugged back. “You have to admit, your jokes suck. No offence.”

“Look on the bright side, she doesn’t hate you anymore and she’s Head Girl. Just think of all that time you’ll have to spend together,” Sirius said rubbing James’ back.

“She loves him!” James sobbed dramatically despite his eyes being completely dry. People called Sirius dramatic but it wasn’t as if he ever spent his time wailing so publicly because someone was talking to another person. 

Peter frowned. “She just met him, didn’t she?” 

“Last night in the meeting they were talking and he seems to like her,” James explained, stabbing his fork into the sunny side up egg. The yolk broke and dribbled out across his plate, touching all the other food. 

“We’ll come up with a plan. You get Lily and Remus, or whatever his name is, falls for a different girl,” Sirius said after a wave of inspiration washed over him. Why was it that neither Peter or James ever came up with any ideas, let alone ones that rivaled Sirius’ genius? They needed to start pulling their weight, everything couldn’t always fall on his shoulders. 

James looked up from his plate with the beginnings of a smirk on his lips. “Who?” 

“Mary, I don’t know,” Sirius shrugged.

“Gee thanks.” Peter threw his fork down in protest, probably hoping that it would persuade Sirius to go after another girl. That wasn’t likely either, as it would be easier if Mary was their target—the new boy didn’t seem to hate her existence, which seemed like basic criteria to get him to fall for her. 

Sirius pouted and tried to do his best puppy dog eyes. “Oh come on, Wormy. You kissed her once when you were thirteen. Do this for James.”

“Why are we even taking advice from you? You can’t even get Dorcas Meadowes.” Peter retorted, apparently less impressed than Sirius had thought. 

Peter had always seemed to have a crush on Mary, Sirius really couldn’t understand why. Sure she was pretty, if you were into dark-haired girls who probably hadn’t grown since they were twelve. She was also nice but there didn’t seem to be anything amazing about her, she was just normal. Maybe Sirius just couldn’t see how amazing she was because of the fact that he was gay. 

Regardless of all the schematics of it all, what kind of person actually liked the same person for that many years? It seemed silly trying to focus on just one person in hopes that they might like you back. Sirius didn’t get it.

“I'd like to see you get with anyone, Casanova. Doesn’t even have to be a girl,” Sirius put forward before taking a bite of his toast. Peter wasn’t known for getting the ladies or even  _ a _ lady. Sure he’d shared a few kisses with them, but it never really lasted beyond a week. He just wasn’t the type that girls really went after or showed interest in. 

“If you think you’re so great, ask someone out,” Peter dared.

“What? Right now?” he raised an eyebrow.

Peter nodded. “Yep.”

“Watch and learn,” Sirius stood up from the table, his sights setting on Mary. Maybe getting with Peter’s crush would teach him that he shouldn’t be messed with.

Walking down a few metres, Sirius sat down next to the new kid. Instead of the look of bewilderment on Remus’ face, today it was replaced with distaste. Up close Sirius could see moles on his neck and freckles across his nose, his eyes weren’t just brown, it was as if someone had taken gold and woven it through them. If Sirius was an honest man, he would probably ask Remus out instead of Mary. But he wasn’t.

Lily groaned when she noticed Sirius’ presence, she gave a stern glare that basically meant run to the hills. “Tell James no, whatever it is, no. I’m not being dragged into whatever you’re planning.”

“Calm down Red, I’m here for Mac. Not everything is about you,” Sirius rolled his eyes. Lily and Mary weren’t his first choice of company but he did prefer them to basically the rest of the school.

“What’s up?” Mary asked looking up from the Daily Prophet, she also had brown eyes but they didn’t seem nearly as enchanting as Remus’.

“Do you want to go out with me?” Sirius asked, not bothering to beat around the bush. In all honesty, he partially chose Mary because he had caught her looking at him more than once.

“Oh… uh…” she mumbled, her mouth failing to say anything of real substance. Sirius was counting on her saying yes, if she said no then James will lay into him and he really didn’t want that to happen. “What happened with Dorcas?”

Sirius had totally forgotten about how the entire school thought he was in love with Dorcas, he had to think of some excuse fast. “I don’t like her, I’ve barely even spoken to her. I actually liked you but I didn’t want you to find out, so I went along with the rumour,” he said without actually thinking about it, as if his mouth was moving faster than his brain.

Lily scoffed and rolled her eyes, probably not believing a single word that Sirius said. Not that he blamed her, it was a massive lie. “You can’t be buying this, surely.”

Mary looked at her friend apprehensively before down at her food and then back up at Sirius. Her cheeks had a pink tint to them, meaning either she was warm, embarrassed, or flattered. He hoped it was the latter because that seemed like the option closest to a yes. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Remus looking mildly disgusted at him. There was something odd about him and Sirius didn’t like it. He wasn’t going to let his attraction to the boy get in the way of finding out all his secrets. He needed to come up with a plan to find them out but he knew that it would take some actual thinking and strategy rather than just making it up as he went along. 

“This isn’t some joke, like you’re not doing this to laugh at me behind my back and say it’s a dare?” Mary asked, and he didn’t completely blame her for it. Girls almost always asked Sirius out as a dare even though they knew he would say no, none of them ever seemed sincere about it.

“No, definitely not a dare,” he smiled at her, Lily audibly gagged at it. 

“Okay, sure,” Mary nodded. 

“Sit next to me in astronomy?” Sirius leaned over the table and kissed Mary’s cheek but left before she could even reply. Returning back to the boys, Peter was looking at him as if he had killed his puppy or something along the lines of unforgivable and heinous. “And that boys, is how it’s done.”

“Great going, who is now going to be the girl Remus falls in love with?” James rolled his eyes, clearly not trusting Sirius’ judgement or genius as much as he should.

“Still Mary,” Sirius shrugged.

James leaned in closer to Sirius from across the table, too curious for his own good. “How?”

“Make him jealous.”

“He doesn’t even like her.”

“I’ll talk about her arse or boobs to him, I don’t know.”

“You don’t even like her.”

“I don’t want to vomit whenever she comes near, which is a lot more than what I can say for Lily,” Sirius explained, as if it was painfully obvious what his plan is.

“You’re using her!” Wormtail practically growled. 

“Wormtail, this isn’t the time to grow a spine. She doesn’t love you. I’m doing you a favour by doing this, I’m helping you get over her,” Sirius snapped back at Wormtail. 

“She deserves better than this.” Wormtail folded his arms. 

The last thing they needed was someone, Wormtail, jeopardising their important mission. “You’re either in or out.”

“Out, she’s got feelings!” Peter stood up and walked half way down the hall before coming back for his plate of food and leaving with it. 

“Merlin, and people call me dramatic,” Sirius laughed. He knew that in a few days Peter would be back to talking to him. He wouldn’t know how to survive without James, and James always took Sirius’ side. “Looks like it’s just you and me, my friend.”

“You had to choose Mary, didn’t you?” James sighed. 

“She was the first person I could think of,” Sirius explained, despite knowing that James would always stick by his side he couldn’t give him a reason to leave. “There is something odd about the new kid, I don’t like him.”

“What do you mean?” his best friend asked with a frown.

“He just sort of sat there staring at me when I was sitting next to him. I’m going to get to the bottom of it,” Sirius described. 

“Of course you are,” James laughed weakly. 

Sirius took a bite of his toast, chewed it and then swallowed. “It’s odd, don’t you think? There aren't ever any transfers, so what makes this kid so special?” 

“Maybe his parents moved country?” he offered a perfectly normal explanation, Sirius didn’t believe that for a minute. 

Hypothetically, if Remus and his parents had moved countries, it didn’t necessarily mean that Remus would have to change schools. There were such things as long distance portkeys. There had to be something else that came into play with it. Sirius was not going to take anything at face value when it came to Remus.

“Did Dumbledore say why?” Sirius wondered out loud.

“Nuh, just his name was Remus, he is in our year and our dorm,” James shrugged before shoving the egg that had oozed all over his plate into his mouth.

“Does he speak?”

“Yeah, he sounds sorta country, I guess. I don’t know American accents.”

“Right.”

“He seemed okay, not like a murderer or anything.”

“I don’t trust him.”

“It’s not like Lily will hang out with a murderer,” James rolled his eyes, trying not to encourage Sirius’ active over imagination.

“Snivellus,” Sirius reminded him.

“She had a lapse in judgement,” James suggested unconvincingly.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at James. “How do you know she’s not having one again?”

“Dickhead,” James replied without any real conviction, “I suggest if you want your relationship with Mary to last, you don’t talk shit about her best friend.”

“Why? Won’t she like that?” Sirius asked.

“Idiot,” James said reaching over and taking the sausage off Sirius’ plate. 

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Give me some credit, I’m not completely without a brain.”

“Could’ve fooled me.” James smiled.


	3. Curious Sirius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you to the magical and wonderful lunchbucket for being my beta

**8TH OF SEPTEMBER, 1977**

IT had only been a few days since Remus Lupin arrived at Hogwarts. During that time, Sirius’ plan to find out more about him while making Mary fall in love with him wasn’t going as well as he had hoped. He hadn’t found out anything about Remus, he hadn’t even heard him talk. The boy seemed to be very determined to keep to himself, which just made Sirius that much more eager to find out more.

“Sirius, are you even listening?” Kingsley broke through Sirius’ thoughts. 

As of five minutes ago, Sirius had found himself in a broom cupboard with Kingsley who was rather annoyed at him. This was why he never bothered relationships, all the drama for nothing. People always said girls were over-dramatic, but clearly they had never met the type of boys who had a knack of being over the top about everything.

“Uh, yeah. You said…” Sirius started saying not knowing what Kingsley had said because ever since Remus had arrived, his thoughts had been eclipsed by him, “that I am extremely attractive.”

Kingsley let out a groan, meaning that he had definitely not said that. “I don’t know what you think you’re doing dating Mary. I know you don’t want people to know that you’re gay, but actually dating a girl is just… wrong. She is going to end up hurt.”

“Since when did you care about Mary and her feelings?” Sirius asked. Sure Kingsley was a better person than Sirius but that didn’t mean he was always sunshine and rainbows. After getting to know him quite personally, outside of his loyalties to his friends and family, he didn’t really care much what people did.

“Because my boyfriend is being a dickhead,” Kingsley explained, frustration ringing through his tone.

Sirius folded his arms. He had told Kingsley multiple times that this was nothing more than casual, yet it never seemed to stay in his head. “I’m not your boyfriend.”

“Call it whatever the fuck you want but that doesn’t mean you’re not being a dickhead,” Kingsley said, clearly getting more annoyed each time Sirius spoke. “It’s one thing to hide who you are and another to use someone.”

“You’re being dramatic.” Sirius rolled his eyes. Kingsley was acting like he had joined his brother’s squad of wannabe death eaters.

“I don’t want any part of this. We are over and if you don’t tell her about you being gay, I will,” Kingsley stepped closer to Sirius, his wand casting  _ lumos _ in his face which made Kingsley look like a blur. A handsome blur, but a blur nevertheless.

“That’s mean,” Sirius huffed.

“No, you using someone you know fancies you is mean.” Kingsley poked Sirius’ shoulder with his free hand. “What happens when she wants to do more than kissing?”

Another overreaction. 

“She doesn’t fancy me,” Sirius sighed. 

“You’re an idiot, she said yes to going out with you, of course she fucking fancies you. Almost all the girls do for some strange reason,” Kingsley said as if he was above all of it. Had he forgotten that he had been pulling Sirius into broom cupboards since Gryffindor won the quidditch cup last semester?

“You say ‘some strange reason’ as if you don’t fancy me too,” Sirius laughed weakly.

“I’m considering why I do. This is what I get for getting involved with a closeted guy.”

“Kings, you’re blowing it out of proportion.”

“I get that you’re scared, but I’ll be there for you. You wouldn’t go through it alone.” Kingsley reached out for Sirius’ hand.

Sirius kept his arms firmly crossed not letting Kingsley show affection. “I’m dating her.”

“I mean it, I will tell her,” Kingsley threatened with sadness rather than anger in his voice.

_ Two can play that game _ , Sirius thought to himself. He knew Kingsley liked him much more than Sirius liked him. If Kingsley wanted to play with fire, Sirius was going to make sure that there was only ash that remained. “If you do, I won’t talk to you again.”

“I don’t care, it’s the right thing to do,” Kingsley said sounding defeated.

“I thought there was some secret code that you don’t out other gay people.”

“Even if there is, Mary doesn’t deserve to be used because you're scared.”

“I’m not scared.”

“Break up with her then.”

“You’re just annoyed that I would rather date a girl than you,” Sirius quipped back.

Kingsley lowered his wand before walking out of the broom cupboard, leaving Sirius standing in the dark. After waiting a few minutes Sirius walked out of the cupboard and started making his way back to the common room. 

If he was honest with himself, he didn’t believe that Kingsley would tell. Other than the fact that Kingsley never tried to actually upset him, he wasn’t exactly the most Gryffindor person. Sometimes Sirius thought he would be much better off in Ravenclaw. 

Kingsley was smart, not as smart as Sirius but it seemed no one was. Yet Kingsley wasn’t really the bravest person around, most of the time he was all talk and no trousers. Sirius’ mind went to Kingsley with no trousers, he quickly had to pull himself out of the thoughts before his body reacted.

The common room wasn’t too far away, but he was going to be annoyed if James, or at least Mary, wasn’t in there. He hated being alone when he didn’t need to be. While everyone thought he and James were practically joined at the hip, it was a common misconception that they knew what each other was doing at any given time. However, Sirius could at least guess that he was harassing Lily Evans somewhere or doing Head Boy rounds. Even if he was doing the latter, it probably did involve annoying Lily.

Sirius stepped into the common room and immediately noticed that Mary was sitting on the couch reading a passage from her textbook out loud. Remus sat opposite from her on the floor diligently taking notes. He wondered why they weren’t in the library as that was a place specifically made to read and study. 

“Hello,” Sirius said as he walked over to the pair and sat on the couch next to Mary.

“Hi,” she looked across at him with a smile, and her hand slipped into his. Sirius didn’t really want to hold her hand but he had to keep up with the appearance that he liked her just as she liked him. “You know Remus, obviously.”

“What are you two studying?” Sirius asked as he looked over Mary’s shoulder to see what she was reading. It was something about the Goblin Rebellions which seemed to be Professor Binns’ favourite subject. Sirius was glad that he was no longer doing History of Magic, it was a bore.

“History. Remus started taking it to get a better understanding of Britain and wizards here,” Mary supplied.

Sirius thought this was the perfect time to talk to Remus, if he didn’t reply to what Sirius asked Mary would think it was rude. He would be practically forced into talking. At least something is going right with the plan. “Where did you grow up?”

“America,” Remus said as he started to pack his parchment and books away. 

“I know that. I meant specifically.” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Fargo, North Dakota,” Remus responded, clearly annoyed that he had to even acknowledge Sirius’ existence, let alone converse with him. Sirius’ knowledge about the United States was minimal, and that was the way he liked it honestly. It wasn’t like anything that happened there impacted his life in any way, shape, or form. 

“I don’t know where that is,” Mary said, he was glad she said it because he was thinking the same thing but didn’t want to seem stupid in front of his new enemy.

“It’s above South Dakota,” Remus said blandly. 

“Is it near New York?” Sirius asked. He was pretty sure that the Dakotas were near New York or at least in that general vicinity, or maybe that was the Carolinas or Virginias. They really needed new names for the states, it would make life much easier.

“No, it’s on the Canadian border, it’s in line with Texas,” Remus explained, still sounding like he was bored to death by the conversation. Most people enjoyed talking about themselves, yet Remus didn’t. That was another thing that piqued Sirius’ interest, this boy seemed to be an enigma.

“Oh, okay.” Sirius nodded. Since he had Remus exactly where he wanted him, he might as well ask the big question that has been plaguing his mind for the past week. “Why are you going here and not Ilvermorny?”

“I don’t see why that matters.” Remus looked up at Sirius, their eyes meeting briefly. He looked nervous about the question which just made Sirius want to know more, he  _ needed _ to know more. 

“Because I’m curious, people call me Curious Sirius,” Sirius joked. Since Remus wasn’t going to be forthcoming with information about himself, Sirius had to rethink his method. It was unfortunate that boys didn’t typically keep diaries, otherwise he would just go through Remus’. 

But Veritaserum was always an option as well.

First of all, he needed to check if Slughorn had any premade, if he did, that would be a lot easier than brewing his own. Veritaserum was an above N.E.W.T. level potion, yet Sirius had the intelligence and the confidence required to make it on his own. Secondly, he needed to get Remus to consume it, which would be a lot harder than brewing the potion. Remus seemed to always have his guard up and putting something into his drink would be difficult. Lastly, he needed to get Remus alone to ask him questions. While he wanted the answers, he did not want to completely embarrass the new kid. Plus it would work better if he could use the information he found out against him. For example, he could potentially threaten Remus that he would reveal all his secrets if he didn’t leave Lily alone. 

This plan seemed to be the best one he had ever come up with. One day he would get the Order of Merlin, he could feel it.

“That’s not true, nobody has ever called you that.” Mary frowned. Sirius was just about to respond with something witty when Remus stood up and started walking away from them. Mary asked, “Where are you going?”

“Putting my books away,” Remus said walking towards the stairs to the dorms.

When Sirius was happy enough that Remus was out of earshot, he turned to Mary. “I don’t like him.”

“Why not? Are you jealous?” she laughed weakly, probably thinking that Sirius was jealous that she was spending time with Remus over him. If anything, he was jealous that she was spending time with Remus when he wanted to spend time with him and find out everything there was to know about him.

“I’m not jealous, I just think there is something off about him,” Sirius said.

“He’s nice, and also pretty harmless,” Mary shrugged, putting the book on the table and turning her body towards Sirius. “Since we're alone, might as well make the most of it.”

“We’re in the common room, it’s hardly alone,” Sirius corrected his girlfriend before he was pulled into a kiss by her. 

In a swift movement, Mary was sitting on his lap, her knees either side of his hips and her tongue in his mouth. Sirius knew he should’ve expected that Mary would at least expect snogging, even if they didn’t have sex. The kiss itself wasn’t much different from kissing Kingsley, except Mary wore lip gloss. Despite that, he didn’t like the kiss. 

He tried to think of Kingsley as he kissed Mary, but if he was honest with himself, he was imagining what it was like to kiss Remus.


	4. Moaning Myrtle

**1ST OF OCTOBER, 1977**

THE first month of school had been excruciating for Sirius. While Kingsley hadn’t yet told Mary about him being gay, the boy had been avoiding him at all costs. He knew Kingsley was all talk and no trousers, but Sirius wondered how the boy even ended up in Gryffindor when he didn’t have the backbone to do anything. 

Sirius walked down the steps to the dungeon with the invisibility cloak on. When he got into the potion ingredients cupboard, he didn’t bother to take it off. The last thing he needed was Slughorn to walk in and find him with his hands on the frog brains. The invisibility cloak was something of a security blanket (or security cloak). He lifted the cloak up around his hands so that he could actually grab things.

Slughorn was meticulous with the organisation of the ingredients, everything was sorted out alphabetically. Yet old Sluggy wasn’t always on top of his game, or at least he hadn’t let on that he thought anything was missing. To make sure that Sluggy wouldn’t notice, each day Sirius had been taking a tiny bit on one ingredient. It was a simple method but it seemed to be working well enough so far, as this would be the last time he needed to get ingredients. He wished it went quicker though, but he knew if he did it too quickly it would be noticeable. Stealing the ingredients of a heavily regulated potion was something that Sirius didn’t want pinned to him.

Once he found the F section, Sirius looked for frog brains. When his eyes found the prize, he shoved his hand deep into the pocket in his pants. During sixth year he had put an undetectable extension charm on the pockets so that he could carry everything around with him. It had been difficult to do but it was worth it. His hand fished the jar out of his pocket that already had a frog brain in it, and opened it before resting it in an empty space. Then Sirius grabbed Slughorn’s jar of frog brains and opened it, immediately making him gag because of the smell. Not wanting to touch the frog brains, he used wingardium leviosa to levitate a brain from one jar to the other. 

After closing both of the jars and returning his to his pocket, he fixed the cloak and left the cupboard. As he made his way up to Myrtle’s bathroom, Sirius thought to himself that he could have a career in espionage since he managed to get away with this. Wizards really weren’t the brightest of people, or maybe just the professors weren’t. 

When he walked into Myrtle’s bathroom, there was already a cauldron and everything he needed to complete the potion. He was glad that Myrtle was a repellent, not many people could stand to be near her for any amount of time. However he had a great experience in putting up with prolonged periods of awfulness, he had practice growing up with his family.

“Hi, Sirius,” Myrtle’s voice floated across from the toilet cubicles. There was an awful sweet tone in her voice. It reminded Sirius of cat claws and chalkboards. 

“Hi,” Sirius responded, not looking up to see where she was. He had to concentrate very hard to get it right, otherwise, he would have to think of another plan.

“How are you?” She asked as she floated up through the cauldron. 

Sirius sighed as he stirred the potion through Myrtle’s head. “I’m very well.”

After an hour, he had done what he needed to do and left the bathroom. On his way back to the common room he saw James and Lily walking together, probably doing rounds or something. Ever since James became head boy, he was around less and less, and it was starting to get annoying.

When he entered the common room, he noticed that Mary and Remus were sitting together again. They were laughing and talking. Not wanting to disturb them because he needed Remus to fall for her, he ignored them and went up to the dorm. Kingsley was sitting on his bed, the curtains pulled back and a book in his hand.

“Are you still ignoring me?” Sirius asked as he took a seat at the end of Kingsley’s bed. 

“Are you still dating Mary?” Kingsley answered the question with his own. 

“Yes,” Sirius answered.

“Yes, I’m still ignoring you,” Kingsley replied, his eyes went back to the book that he was holding. 

Sirius took the book out of his hands. “Oh come on, really?”

“If you want to suppress being gay, go for it. But I’m not about to let you cheat on her with me. I won’t allow it,” Kingsley explained with annoyance in his voice.

“If that’s what you want to do,” Sirius smiled. If he used charm maybe he could get back into Kingsley’s good graces. There was no reaction though. 

“Sirius,” Mary’s voice came from outside the room. As the door opened, Sirius quickly walked away from Kingsley.

“Hi,” Sirius said, leaning against one of the posts of his bed. In the corner of his eye, he could see Kingsley had shut his book and was now staring at him with disgust.

“You didn’t come and say hi,” Mary said as she walked into the room, there was a smile on her face.

“You and the new kid looked busy.” Sirius shrugged.

“He doesn’t matter,” she replied, wrapping her arms around his neck. Mary was quite short, roughly five-foot, so when he looked at her he had to look down at her.

“Oh, okay,” Sirius said weakly. For a moment Sirius thought he had done something wrong but Mary closed the gap and started kissing him. 

Their kiss was interrupted by the door slamming shut. Sirius looked over to Kingsley’s bed and he was no longer there. Mary rolled her eyes. “What’s his problem?”

“He has a crush on me,” Sirius explained. It wasn’t the exact truth but also wasn’t a lie. Whether Kingsley still liked him was up for debate, however, he did use to like Sirius. 

A smile crept up onto her face. “Doesn’t everyone?”

“No, Lily doesn’t,” Sirius couldn’t help but laugh. It was far from the truth. Mary rolled her eyes again and then bit her lip.

“Merlin, listening to her go on about James is such a bore. James this, James that,” Mary complained while her fingers played with the hair at the back of Sirius’ neck. The hair that had escaped from his haphazard bun. 

The comment made Sirius think that Lily actually liked James. If Lily did, it meant the less time he had to date Mary. He hoped that she did. “Lily likes James?” 

“I think so, I don’t think she knows it though,” Mary laughed.

“What about the new kid?” Sirius asked. He only called him the new kid so it wasn’t obvious that he found him attractive or that he was scheming to find out all his secrets. 

She paused for a moment, Sirius could almost see her thinking about it. “Hm, I think he likes her but maybe not vice versa.”

“Oh good,” he nodded 

“Good?” she tilted her head.

“James has a chance with Lily,” he told her the truth. The whole plan started for James and Lily to get together, however, it had evolved into Sirius finding out everything he could about Remus,

Mary huffed. “Can we not talk about James? We have the dorm to ourselves.”

“We could go down to the common room,” Sirius suggested, he really didn’t want to be alone in the bedroom with her. It was a situation he tried to avoid at all costs.

“And give everyone a show? I don’t think so,” Mary said before pulling Sirius into a kiss. Snogging seemed to be Mary’s favourite thing, and it was easy enough for Sirius to do. He didn’t enjoy it, but it was the price he was willing to pay for his plan to work. She pulled back, her eyes staring into his and pushed him back gently. “Bed.”

Not wanting to come across as panicking, Sirius did what she wanted. He got onto the bed but crossed his legs that way she couldn’t get super close. After the times in the common room when she straddled him and didn’t care who saw, being alone with her was something he tried to avoid.

As they kissed, Mary took the hand that Sirius had been resting on her hip up to her boob. A sharp breath was taken by Sirius. He hadn’t planned on this happening, that’s why he never invited her up to their dorm. The hand then moved from his wrist to his upper thigh. A place that was a little too close to his manhood.

Kingsley was right, she wanted more than just kissing. Not that he would ever admit it out loud, but he was somehow digging himself into a deeper hole. One he didn’t know how to get out of.

The door flung open, Mary pulled away and looked over her shoulder. Sirius looked towards the door too. Peter was standing in the doorway looking angry. “Have you seen Ja… What are you doing?”

“Snogging,” Sirius said, pointing out the obvious.

“I don’t see how what we do is your business,” Mary told Peter at the same time Sirius spoke.

“You’ve got no respect for her, none at all. You’re just grabbing her boob,” Peter said. Sirius had forgotten about where his hand was and quickly dropped it. 

“Peter, leave us alone,” Mary snapped back.

“He was grabbing your boob!” Peter said pointing at Sirius. 

“He’s doing it because I want him to, now leave us alone,” Mary seethed. Peter shot Sirius a look that was pure disgust and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

“Sorry about that,” Sirius apologised, not that it was his fault Peter interrupted them. In a way he was grateful for it, otherwise, she might’ve moved her hand closer and tried to instigate more. 

“It’s fine, I don’t know why but he acts like he’s my brother or something. It’s rather annoying,” she explained, shaking her head. 

“He likes you,” he told her. There wasn’t a look of surprise on her face, it was probably obvious. At least it was obvious to Sirius. All Peter ever did was follow Mary around, blush whenever she talked to him and ask to study together so he could spend time with her.

“Oh, that makes sense,” she nodded, her hand finally leaving his thigh. Sirius felt like he could breathe again. “You asked me out knowing your friend likes me?”

“Do you wish I didn’t?” Sirius asked. Peter’s feelings for Mary had not influenced his decision at all, Mary had just been the first person he had thought of. 

“No, I’m glad you did,” Mary smiled. For a brief moment, Sirius felt bad about what he was doing but remembered it was for the greater good. Who knew what dark and evil things Remus was up to.

“Same,” Sirius lied. It wasn’t a complete lie but he wasn’t glad for the reason she thought. He had successfully infiltrated enemy lines. There was the insight he had because of their relationship. 

At dinner time, he made his way down to the hall. He found James sitting next to Peter and space across from them was free. When he sat down across from James, whatever Peter had been talking about ceased.

“What’s up?” Sirius asked the both of them.

“Peter said he found you groping Mary,” James accused him as if it was the worst thing he could do.

“It was hardly groping, I was holding her boob for her,” Sirius explained, and to continue with the act that he liked girls he smiled. It probably came across as sheepish. 

“What a gentleman,” James couldn’t help but laugh.

“I don’t like what you’re doing to Mary, she’s like in love with you,” Peter interjected. 

“Believe it or not, I’ve grown quite fond of her. Maybe we’ll get married,” Sirius retorted. It wasn’t that he liked her or even wanted to date her, but she had grown on him as a friend. 

“Sirius’ boyfriend is back,” James changed the subject. For a moment Sirius looked to Kingsley, not knowing what James was talking about. Kingsley hadn’t left and neither of his friends knew about his relationship with him.

“What?” Sirius said looking towards the door. Remus was walking down the hall towards Mary and Lily. He looked like he had fought a centaur or something by the way he was walking, it looked like he was in pain. “Wow, he looks like shit.”

“I thought his mother was sick,” James commented, a confused expression on his face.

“What?” Sirius turned his head back around. He hadn’t heard about him leaving, usually, Remus avoided Sirius, so when he went missing Sirius didn’t even notice. He had just thought Remus was becoming an expert at hiding.

“Lily said that he went home because his mother is ill,” James clarified as he put a spoonful of peas on his plate.

Peter frowned. “He went back to America?”

“Must’ve, Lily didn’t say anything else. Just his mother is dying or something,” James said through a mouthful of peas. It was a disgusting sight, Sirius wished someone taught James table manners.

“From?” Peter asked.

“Some muggle thing, cancer or something,” James nonchalantly spoke.

“Shit,” Peter gasped and covered his mouth with his hand.

“What?” James questioned. What was cancer and why did it cause a strong reaction from Wormtail? He was glad James asked, he didn’t want to participate in a conversation about mothers.

“Cancer is really bad,” Peter explained.

“How bad?” James asked.

“My Grandma had cancer, she died a month later,” Peter said. Peter was a half-blood, both parents of his were wizards and so were two of his grandparents. One on each side.

“Why is he here then? Wouldn’t it be best if he stayed at home?” James asked like either of them knew the answer.

“Don’t know, maybe his mum wants him to have an education?” Peter suggested like it was the most outlandish thing ever. It 

“But still, it’s his  _ mum _ . It’s not like it’s his aunt or a distant relative,” James said as he waved his hand in the air, dismissing Peter’s theory.

Whenever Peter and James talked about family Sirius felt like an outsider, it was something he couldn’t relate to no matter how hard he tried. There were no other words Sirius could describe it as other than isolating. It was like he was watching everyone happy in their families and Sirius couldn’t do anything but watch. 

Sirius looked across to the Slytherin table, he could see Regulus sitting with his friends laughing. When he left home, it was as if Sirius had never been part of the family, that he was personally burning off his name from the family tree. It was difficult, family was difficult. Regulus caught his eye for a moment, the laughter and smile died fast.

There would always be an attachment to his parents and brother, sometimes he wished he would get a letter from his mother saying that she loved him and everything would be different if he came home. He knew it wouldn’t be different, everything would still stay the same. His father would still be an alcoholic who took his anger out on him and his mother would be the enabler. 

Not wanting to see Regulus’ expression anymore, Sirius looked down at his empty plate. He could hear James and Peter still talking about family. To keep his mind off it, he filled his plate with food. There was a crack in his carefree facade and he didn’t want anyone to see it.


	5. Wolf boy

**14th OF OCTOBER, 1977**

SIRIUS walked into the library to escape Mary. At one of the desks he spotted Remus by himself reading something and scribbling onto parchment. Since he was alone, Sirius decided to go up to him. There was something strange about him, two weeks earlier he had gone away somewhere. Mary had said that something happened with his family and that he needed to leave.

“Hi,” Sirius said, sitting down across from him. Remus looked up from his parchment at the sound of his voice. There was a look of annoyance on his face. 

“What do you want?” Remus asked in a whisper. He had obviously learned that Madam Pince didn’t like sound in the library. If she could she would cast a silencing charm over it so anyone who stepped into the room couldn’t talk.

“I saw you and wanted to say hi. You don’t talk much do you?” Sirius said. 

“I don’t have anything to say to you,” Remus huffed as his eyes went over his homework. Sirius didn’t like Remus’ attitude. The other boy was rude.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “My girlfriend says you’re nice but I can’t say I agree.”

“I think you’ve mistaken me for someone who cares about your opinion of me.” Remus looked up again, disgust on his face.

“How charming,” Sirius commented. “I thought Americans are supposed to be nice.”

“Well, so far you’ve proven what I thought about English people,” Remus replied.

“That we’re attractive and smart?” Sirius smiled. He knew it wasn’t the answer but Remus looked at him like he wanted to snap his neck. Apparently Remus didn’t have a sense of humour either. “What?”

“Rich assholes,” Remus said.

“You think I’m a rich asshole?” Sirius asked. He didn’t think it was fair to judge an entire country on the people who were most known, for instance the Queen. 

“I know you are one, Lily has told me about you,” Remus explained. Of course it was Lily, she hated him and always seemed to have it out for him. Probably because she thought he was a bad influence on James.

“Talking of Lily, what do you think of her?” Sirius segued to Lily. At least then he would get some information to report back to James about whether the plan was working. It didn’t seem like it was, but it could be if he just believed it would.

Remus scoffed. “Why would I tell you that?” 

“Because I want to know,” Sirius smiled, trying to work his charm. 

“I’ll pass,” Remus replied.

“What about my girlfriend, what are your thoughts on her?”

“I don’t think of your girlfriend.”

“You two are friends though.”

“Not really, she just helps with my homework.

“She says you have a crush on Lily. My best friend has a crush on Lily.”

“James is free to date Lily if he wants, I’m not interested in her.”

“Are you interested in anyone?”

“It doesn’t matter who I’m interested in.”

“It does to me, I’m sort of a matchmaker.”

“If I want to date someone, I wouldn’t ask you for help.”

“Why not?”

“Rich asshole.”

“I think maybe you have a crush on me.”

“I’m not into torturing myself,” Remus packed up his belongings and stood up. “Goodbye, Sirius.”

Before Sirius realised, he had smiled. “You know my name.”

“Considering how often Professor McGonagall yells at you, it’s hard not to know it,” Remus said looking down at Sirius.

“I’ll see you around, wolf boy,” Sirius replied. He said it to get under Remus’ skin, and by the look on his face, it did.

“What did you just call me?” Remus snapped back.

“Wolf boy,” Sirius shrugged. While he thought it would’ve annoyed him, he didn’t think it would cause such a big reaction.

“Why?” Remus frowned.

“Your name is Remus Lupin, it means-” Sirius started to explain before Remus rudely interrupted him.

Remus’ frown disappeared. “I know what my name means, thanks.”

“I was just saying, you know how Americans aren’t known for being smart,” Sirius stood up from the table.

“I’m smarter than you.” Remus rolled his eyes.

“Hm, no you’re not. Nice try though wolf boy,” Sirius said as he walked away from Remus. He wouldn’t allow someone else to have the last world.

When Sirius walked back to the common room, Mary was walking towards him with a smile on her face. A pang of guilt made itself known in Sirius’ stomach. She came up to him and kissed him. “I was wondering where you had gotten to.”

“I was just talking to your mate Remus,” Sirius motioned towards the direction of the library.

Mary frowned. “Oh, how is he?” 

“Moody,” Sirius shrugged.

“He isn’t moody, he just doesn’t like you,” Mary laughed, her hand gripped his bicep.

“Why?” he asked. Normally people liked him, or at least normal people liked him. The known exceptions were Lily Evans and Severus Snape, both were oddballs. 

“Lily might’ve told him some of the stuff you and James get up to,” she clarified and pressed a kiss onto his cheek. “It’s fine though, I like you,” 

“Thanks.” He forced a smile. At the start, dating Mary seemed like a good idea, a solid cover, but now he was fully over it. It was almost like prolonged torture. Maybe he was a masochist.

“Hogsmeade is tomorrow, let’s go,” she changed the subject. 

Hogsmeade had always been time to spend with his friends, Peter and James only, no girls allowed. It was one of the times where they were all able to get together and not have a chance for one of them to be pulled away by someone else. However, that was before the charade with Mary had started and now he needed to endure through his discontent with their relationship. “Yeah, sure.”

“You okay?” she asked.

“I’m fine, I’ll see ya around,” Sirius brushed her off and started walking to the common room. Maybe he would go straight to the dorm, that way he would have uninterrupted alone time.

“Where are you going?” Mary called out.

Sirius turned around to face her, they were a few metres away from each other. “To find James.”

“Oh, okay,” Mary said as she looked at the floor.

Not wanting cracks to show in the charade, he walked back up to Mary and kissed her cheek. The things he did for James and his mission to get Lily to date him, one day when Sirius was out they’d have a laugh about it. “We’re okay, Mac. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.”

⁂

**16th OF OCTOBER, 1977**

Two days later at breakfast Peter was looking at his porridge as he stirred it and James was ferociously spreading jam on his toast. It seemed that ditching them to spend time with Mary was not okay. He had committed the worst crime a man could. 

At this rate Sirius figured he wouldn’t even have to come out to his friends to make them hate him, he was doing it already. Maybe James wouldn’t be able to have a laugh about this in the future, especially the way he was overreacting to some tiny thing. 

Since James became head boy, he stepped down from being quidditch captain and Sirius replaced him. They were having practice after lunch. Sirius was nervous about it, he didn’t think he would be very good at leading a group of people. 

“Hi,” Mary said as she sat beside Sirius. Her hand automatically went to his and held it. James looked up and grunted at her. At that moment, Mary let go of Sirius’ hand. “Is that really necessary?”

The date yesterday was somewhat a disaster, it was at Madam Puddifoot’s. Anything that happened at that tea shop was automatically a bad idea. Nothing good seemed to come out of Sirius’ mouth. While he didn’t care for a relationship with Mary, he didn’t want their friendship to turn into a complete shit fight. 

“You tell me,” James asked.

“You could at least be nice to her,” Sirius cut in.

“You’re only saying that because you’re shagging her,” James said as if Mary wasn’t even there.

“We haven’t, but even if we did that doesn’t matter. Don’t be a wanker,” Sirius told him off

James looked over to Peter. “Wormy?”

Let’s see how far Wormtail’s loyalty ran, Sirius thought. It was an awful thought but he always took James’ side.

“You shouldn’t be mean to her,” Peter said looking down at the egg on his plate.

James pushed himself up and stepped back from the table. He grabbed his plate. “Well, I guess I’ll just leave then.”

“Practice is in an hour,” Sirius called out in case James had forgotten. If he missed it then he wouldn’t make the team. Further down the table James sat with Lily.

Everyone showed up for the practice, including a pissed off James. At the end of three hours, Sirius was confident in the team he had selected. Despite James’ attitude, he was still passionate about the sport.

Their new seeker was Kingsley, which the blokes on the team weren’t happy with. They didn’t want to share a change room with a gay guy, some of the comments came from James which reinforced Sirius’ reluctance to come out. Sirius snapped and told them if they didn’t like it, they could leave the team. It wasn’t like Kingsley was a pervert, which was a word that was used by Caradoc Dearborn, a boy from the year below. 

After the practice, Kingsley came up to Sirius as they walked out of the change rooms. His hand went to Sirius’ forearm. “Thanks,” Kingsley said.

“For?” Sirius asked, looking down at the physical contact between him and Kingsley. A mere month ago that would’ve sent him into a frenzy, what it meant that Kingsley had touched him and when they could find the next time to be alone together. 

“Sticking up for me, I’m not a creep,” Kingsley said. He let go of Sirius’ arm. 

“I know. I’ve shared a dorm with you since we were eleven,” Sirius replied. Despite the names he called him, there was no actual hostility that Sirius held against Kingsley. There was an envy though, how it was so easy that Kingsley could just walk around being gay and was okay with it. He was okay with people knowing. 

“Thank you though,” Kingsley smiled.

Sirius had no feeling towards Kingsley anymore, he started to think that he never did have feelings. All his affection was directed at him because of the secret Kingsley knew, he was the only person who knew the truth. “We’re a team now,  _ all _ of us, if anyone talks about your sexuality, let me know.”

“Even James?” Kingsley raised an eyebrow.

“Even James, sometimes he needs some humbling,” Sirius laughed weakly. It wasn’t the same as coming out, Sirius doubted he would at this point. In fifty years time, he would live with his partner and they would just be known as roommates. Like his Uncle Alphard and his muggle-born partner Bob, whose actual name was Robert. It wasn’t until Alphard’s death that Sirius had found out the truth. He wished he had known before, then he could’ve asked for advice. “I don’t think you’re a pervert, by the way.”

“I don’t think you’re one either,” Kingsley turned to face Sirius, he had leaned in and their mouths were a few inches away. “I want to kiss you.”

“I-” Sirius managed to get out. Words were failing him.

“What do you think you’re doing?” James said. He was storming towards them with his wand in his hand.

“None of your business,” Kingsley shot back and pulled out his wand from his robes. 

James’ wand made contact with Kingsley’s body, he pushed the tip between two of his ribs. It didn’t look very comfortable. “You just said you wanted to kiss my best friend, I think it is my business.”

“James, it’s fine,” Sirius said. While Sirius couldn’t see a future with Kingsley anymore, it didn’t mean he wanted to see him jinxed or something worse. It had been a while since he had gotten wand happy and shot something harmful at someone other than Severus, who hardly counted as a person, but they both knew what he was capable of. Especially when he was already pissed.

“No it’s not, he’s a pervert,” James dug the wand in further. To Sirius, James was kind (with the exception of Severus) most of the time. It was a bit like a kick in the gut for Sirius.

“You’ve said the same to Lily,” Sirius pushed James back a little. It wasn’t hard but it was enough to dislodge the wand from Kingsley’s ribs. It was hypocritical of James to get offended by what Kingsley said when he had said the exact same thing to Lily. 

“It’s different, isn’t it?” James said.

“Not really,” Sirius shrugged. It didn’t bother him that Kingsley had said it, he doubted that he would’ve actually kissed him in the middle of the quidditch pitch.

“I’m going to go,” Kingsley said.

“Yeah sure, practice is Friday at four,” Sirius replied.

“Bye,” James said bitterly. “You know you don’t have to put up with it.”

“I’m not putting up with it, it doesn’t bother me. It wasn’t as if he kissed me,” Sirius explained. It would be different if the kiss had actually happened but it didn’t, so there wasn’t an issue.

“Is the gnome in Mary so far up you have resulted in getting attention from poofs? Or maybe you’re just one.” James narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

“Would it be a problem if I was a poof?” Sirius asked. It was a moment of truth, Sirius would know how James actually felt about it and whether coming out was an option or whether he wouldn’t. He didn’t want to end up like Uncle Alphard, but he didn’t want to lose James either.

“Maybe,” James said, it was rather nonchalant. 

Sirius took it as a yes, if it wasn’t a problem he would’ve said no. “It didn’t strike me that you were prejudiced.”

“I’m not,” James retorted, his eyes still narrow.

“You certainly are,” Sirius shot back. James couldn’t stand there and pretend he wasn’t prejudiced after he called someone a pervert and a poof for being gay.

“You call him names all the time.” James rolled his eyes,

It was true. However, since he was now the captain and Kingsley was on the team he would stop. Maybe the rest of the team would follow in his footsteps. “He knows I don’t mean it the same way you do.”

“Does he now? You spend a lot of time with him by yourselves then?” James questioned with an accusatory tone in his voice. 

“Oh yeah, we get off in broom cupboards all the time,” Sirius said sarcastically. While it was definitely the truth, it wouldn’t be believed. “Pull your fucking head in.”

“First Mary and now Kingsley, I’m starting to think you’re changing,” James continued with the accusations.

“You are my brother, if anyone can tell you you’re being a wanker it’s me, and for once I’m telling you that you are one,” Sirius clarified. “Kingsley is on the team whether you like it or not, if I hear anything homophobic coming from your mouth I will make you leave the team. Along with anyone else who decides to share their thoughts about it.”

“Where is your sense of loyalty?” James asked.

“I’m on your side, I’m always on your side, that doesn’t mean I like everything you do,” Sirius said frustratedly.

“I don’t like what you’re becoming, you’re changing,” James retorted.

“Maybe I am, growing isn’t a bad thing. Maybe if you stopped being a wanker all the time Lily would actually ask you out,” Sirius said. James pulled out his wand, Sirius knew he had stepped over the line but he didn’t care. He cared deeply and hoped that James wouldn’t do it, but he was also glad and didn’t care that it had got under his skin.

“Sirius,” Mary screeched. 

Sirius looked over at Mary. She stood frozen a few yards. She was far enough away that the conversation wouldn’t be able to be heard but she could definitely see what was happening. Part of him felt for her. As he looked back at James, he stepped forward so the wand was digging into his chest. “Do it, I dare you.”

James withdrew his wand and walked away, there were no words that left his mouth. When James disappeared out of the pitch, Mary ran over to him. Mary cupped his cheek. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Sirius mumbled. Getting fretted over wasn’t something he had grown up with so it made him very uncomfortable.

“What happened?” She asked as worry filled her voice. Kingsley was right, he would have to break up with her. He didn’t know when but he knew it had to be soon, it had to be before she said she loved him whenever that would be. 

“Nothing,” he brushed it off.

“Sirius, I’m your girlfriend. It’s not like I’ll tell anyone,” she said.

It worked, the guilt from everything made him want to tell her truth. “James was being a wanker, that’s all, it’s fine,

“About?” she continued to enquire.

“Kingsley being on the team,” he said. He didn’t want to lie to her more than he had to but he wasn’t going to be forthcoming with it.

“Why? James is Indian, it’s not like he would be racist. Can Indian people be racist?” 

“No, it was about him being gay.”

“Oh…  _ Oh _ .”

“What?”

“James thinks Kingsley is going to perv on him?”

“No, me in particular.”

“Why?”

“He said he wanted to kiss me.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing, James started calling him a pervert.”

“Oh.” Mary frowned. “Does it bother you that he likes you?”

“I’m not homophobic if that’s what you’re getting at,” Sirius replied. Could someone who was gay be homophobic? “I told James off for being it and said if he continues it then I’ll kick him off the team.”

Mary smiled brightly. “That’s really nice of you.”

“It’s nothing,” Sirius shrugged it off, he didn’t want it to come across as too nice so that people started questioning his sexuality.

“No, it’s not. I don’t think many guys would be okay with it,” Mary explained. “I guess I chose the right guy.”

Mary pulled him into a kiss in the middle of the quidditch pitch. At that moment his act faulted, he didn’t want to be kissed by Mary. She pulled back with a frown on her face. There wasn’t anything Sirius could do but apologise. “I’m sorry, I’m just not in the mood.”

“That’s okay,” she said kissing his cheek, and a smile was on her face. Sirius couldn’t tell if it was real or forced.


	6. A Girl Thing

**5TH OF NOVEMBER, 1977**

TWO days earlier it had been Sirius’ 18th birthday. While it wasn’t a significant number, the seventh years, including Lily, had decided that they would have a party for his 18th. Also, Gryffindor had won their first match of the school year, so nearly everyone was celebrating the victory. 

The victory was especially sweet to Sirius. It was his first win as captain and it was against Slytherin. Regulus was in Slytherin and had caught the snitch to end the game, not realising Slytherin had needed ten more points to win the game. Sirius had won against his brother. 

Everything between him and James had resolved, the day after practice it was like nothing happened. Sirius pushed it aside to James waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

For once Remus even seemed to be enjoying himself, it was a rare occurrence but there was a smile on his face. Sirius felt himself go weak at the knees as he watched the American talk to Kingsley and Lily. When he wasn’t forcing a frown on his face all the time, he was rather attractive. It was a birthday miracle. At the end of October, he had gone away again and come back a day later looking worse for wear. The cancer story didn’t seem like the truth and Sirius was going to get to the bottom of it.

However, Sirius didn’t want to continue being around so many people. It was draining to pretend to be something he wasn’t. He went up to the dorm and started to go over his options of what to wear to bed. It was getting on the colder side so he thought about if it was time to wear his long pyjama bottoms to bed.

The door opened and Sirius turned to see who it was. He had expected it to be Kingsley or Remus, two reasonably sensible blokes who would go to bed at a respectable time. However it was his girlfriend. 

“Hey,” Mary smiled walking over to him.

“Hey,” Sirius replied.

“Finally got you alone.” she poked his stomach playfully.

“I guess so,” he said.

“Everyone is downstairs,” she stated. It was the truth, they were completely alone because it was only nine at night. Everyone else was still celebrating.

“Yeah, well, there is a party on,” Sirius explained as Mary pushed him down on his bed. 

She climbed on top and started kissing him, he kissed her back but his heart wasn’t in it. At the start of the relationship he had pictured Kingsley to get through it, however his face was replaced by the new boy, Remus. It made it more bearable, to imagine kissing a boy. Mary pulled back and took her shirt then bra off and went back to kissing him. 

It was the moment that Kingsley said was going to happen, she would want more. More than he could give. The thought of going any further than kissing was unfathomable to Sirius. It wasn’t possible. 

“You’re not enjoying this, are you?” Mary broke the kiss.

“No, not really,” Sirius told her the truth.

Mary grabbed her shirt and pulled it up to her chest, covering her body. “Have I done something?”

“No,” Sirius shook his head.

“You can pretend I’m Dorcas if you like,” she suggested like it was completely normal. It wasn’t. His girlfriend had just suggested that he could imagine a different girl. 

He shook his head. “That won’t help.” 

“What is it then? Why won’t you ever touch me? I have to instigate everything.” she pushed away a little. However, her body was still pressed to his.

Sirius scrambled up the bed more and wrapped his arms around his legs as he pulled them up to his chest. “I’m sorry, I think we should break up.”

“What?” Mary pulled back completely, her eyes were sad. Kingsley was right, he had been right the entire time, Sirius had hurt her. The plan that he dated her didn’t matter anymore, he could use veritaserum. “Sirius, I want this. I would just like to know why… I think we can work it out.”

“It’s not a you thing,” Sirius confessed as he looked down at his hands. 

“What is it then?” 

“It’s a girl thing.”

“What do you mean?”

“I… I don’t like girls.”

A frown formed on Mary’s face, it made Sirius feel nauseous. It was going to come out, he knew it was. Mary wasn’t dumb, she was quite smart, she knew. She had to know. “Do you like boys?” she asked, her voice quieter than before.

“I’m sorry,” he apologised, it was as good as admitting that he did fancy boys. 

“You’re gay?” she questioned, it was the same as asking if he liked boys but just reworded. Her eyes looked down at her body that was covered by a shirt.

“Yes, I think so,” he whispered. While he had long passed ‘I think so’ and was well into ‘I definitely am’ territory, he didn’t have the heart to tell her.

“Fuck,” she muttered. “How long have you known?”

“A while.”

“Before or after we started dating?”

“Before…”

“How long before? Are we talking months or weeks?” 

“Years,” Sirius whispered as he looked down at his hands. Other than Kingsley, Mary was now the only other person who knew about his sexuality. He had always thought coming out would be liberating but it made him nauseous.

“Merlin, I’m going to be sick.” Mary vomited into her shirt. She took it down from her chest, leaving her totally exposed. There was a disgusted look on her face, Sirius couldn’t tell if it was because of him or that she vomited into her shirt. 

Sirius found one of his shirts, it was an older one that Peter had gotten him for his birthday. There was a wizarding band on it. He passed her the crumpled shirt and brushed her hair out of her face. She put the shirt on. 

“I’m sorry, I really am,” Sirius told her. He didn’t know if she would believe it, but he did mean it.

“I’m going to go now,” she announced standing up and walking out, her shirt covered in sick along with her bra bundled in her arms. Sirius climbed back onto his bed and brought his knees up to his chest again and wrapped his arms around them. 

Ten minutes later the door opened and James walked in. The day after the fight James had pretended that nothing had happened, but if Mary had gone around telling everyone what had happened… There goes their friendship.

“Mary said you broke up with her,” James said. He didn’t look angry, so he doubted that she told him. Maybe it hadn’t reached him why or maybe Mary was too embarrassed to admit that she was dating a pervert.

“I did,” Sirius confirmed. 

“Are you okay?” James asked.

“Fine.”

“You sure?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“She was your first girlfriend.”

“You didn’t seem to care about our relationship before.”

“It wasn’t that I didn’t care… She was taking you away from us.”

“She wasn’t.”

“She was, basically she spent the entire time with her tongue down your throat.”

“What do you want? Are you here to be a prick about it?”

“No. I just don’t believe that you’re okay.”

“Well I’m fine, it was inevitable.”

“What happened?”

“She didn’t tell everyone?”

“No, she just came crying down to Lily and they went up to their dorm.”

“I wasn’t into it.”

“Into what?”

“She wanted to have sex, I didn’t want to.”

“Why? It’s sex.”

“I didn’t want to have to pretend I liked it, she was driving me insane and that just pushed it to the edge,” Sirius explained. It was the truth, or as close to the truth as he could get without coming out. “Next she’d be telling me that she loved me and that… I couldn’t have that happen. The plan had gone far enough.”

“At least you admit the plan was stupid.” James laughed and sat down at the edge of Sirius’ bed. His back was pressed up against the bed tame.

“You didn’t tell me it was stupid when it had started,” Sirius replied. James was rather on board with his plan, it was Peter who disagreed with it and it was only because he wanted to get into her pants.

“Maybe because I didn’t see it then, once she kidnapped you, I thought it,” James said. There was a look of pride on his face, Sirius didn’t know what he was proud over and also didn’t want to know.

“She didn’t kidnap me,” Sirius replied. The entire thing was ridiculous, while he had wanted space, he didn’t feel like shehad completely taken over him and didn’t allow him to do things. Most of the things they did he agreed on for the sake of the plan or to cover the gay issue up. “I don’t hate her or anything. I don’t even dislike her. The plan wasn’t working and I couldn’t continue to hurt her.”

“How noble of you,” James laughed and got up from Sirius’ bed, he made his way over to his own.

“That’s what The Blacks are known for,” Sirius smirked. 

“She was wearing your shirt,” James pointed out. 

“She had vomited into the one she had been wearing, I was being nice,” Sirius explained.

“Okay, nothing happened though? Still a virgin like me?” James asked, just wanting to confirm they were all still loser virgins.

“Still a virgin,” Sirius answered and James gave him an enthusiastic high-five. However, the enthusiasm didn’t last long, James then frowned.

“Ugh…” James said loudly and he dramatically fell onto his bed. “The plan though…”

The Remus plan wasn’t known by James, so he must’ve been talking about using Mary to get Remus interested in her instead of Mary. It was a bad plan, not one of the greatest. However the veritaserum plan was flawless, an amazing piece of espionage which will tear the lid off the mystery can of worms that was Remus Lupin.

“Lily likes you,” Sirius changed the subject. He had been holding onto that information because after the Kingsley incident he didn’t feel too generous about sharing it.

James sat up, he looked bright eyed. The information seemed to give him more energy, almost like he had drank wideye potion. “She does?”

“According to Mary, yes. All she does is talk about you,” Sirius explained.

“Really?” James asked, there was a stupid grin on his face.

“That’s what she said.” Sirius shrugged. “Whenever I talked about you to her she would get annoyed because she has to deal with Lily doing it.”

“Did she say it was positive or negative?” James asked. 

“Mixed.” Sirius shrugged again.

“So I have a chance?” James asked as if he was Lily himself and knew exactly where they stood.

“I figure so,” Sirius said.

“You’re not pulling my leg?” James asked with an eyebrow raised. 

“Why would I lie about this?” Sirius questioned. Lily was a no joking topic, they weren’t allowed to use her or Dorcas respectively to play pranks on each other. They were off limits.

“I don’t know, might want me to be embarrassed like you,” James suggested. It was an odd suggestion. While they had played pranks on each other, it was always harmless. Silly things, things that wouldn’t greatly embarrass one another. That would be crossing a line that Sirius wasn’t comfortable with.

“I’m not embarrassed,” Sirius clarified. 

“You were about to lose your virginity,” James pointed out. There was no way Sirius was going to lose his virginity, there wasn’t enough alcohol or drugs in the world for that. 

“I dumped her, not the other way round,” Sirius said. He did the dumping, there was nothing to be embarrassed about. If Mary had told everyone the truth he would be embarrassed, more than embarrassed, he would never show his face again in the school. He would move to the Himalayas and never show his face in the UK again. It was drastic but drastic times call for drastic measures.

“Fine, fine,” James said before looking at Sirius, there was a solemn look on his face. “I am sorry.”

“She suggested that I could imagine Dorcas as we did it,” Sirius told him. He didn’t know why he was telling James that but it had happened before he had thought about it.

James raised his eyes. “Really?”

“Yeah. It was sort of off-putting,” Sirius laughed weakly.

“Why?” James asked.

“When I lose my virginity, I don’t want to be pretending it is someone else. I want to do it with someone I want to do it with,” Sirius explained. When it came to actual sex, not the getting off he and Kingsley participated in, he wanted it to be with someone he liked. Perhaps someone he loved. 


	7. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you kattlupin for betaing <3

**24TH OF DECEMBER, 1977**

THE day before everyone had the Friday off and almost everyone went home. James didn’t celebrate Christmas and while Sirius knew he would be allowed to go to the Potter’s, he didn’t want to spend the holidays in his flat. It was a nice flat but it would be quiet and cold.

Christmas Eve was in full swing. All the ghosts, not including the Bloody Baron, were all festive. Peeves, the school poltergeist, had a festive theme to his pranks. It was mistletoe and if anyone was with someone else when they came across it, they would have to kiss to escape being stuck. Sirius considered himself lucky, none of his friends had stayed for Christmas. Lily and Remus had both stayed, but neither were his friends. 

When Sirius walked into the hall, he spotted Lily and Remus further down the table. For some reason they were holding hands. Sirius reluctantly sat down and the entire time they were eating Sirius imagined killing Lily.

The scene hurt, despite that he knew she liked James. There was a jealousy inside of Sirius, stewing and curdling. Normal people, the non homosexual kind or at least the kind that didn’t partake in sodomy, could grab their partners or friends hand and no one would think of it. Even Lesbians had it better, no one would think twice of two girls holding hands, two boys holding hands was a different situation. There would be rumours, possibly a scandal. 

If Sirius was seen holding a man’s hand, not including James because James was James, it would be a scandal. Something like ‘Pureblood heir is a sodomite’ in  _ Witch Weekly _ , it would be worse if he was seen with someone like Remus. A no one, someone who definitely wasn’t pureblood. It wouldn’t make anything like front page news, but it would be in there somewhere with most likely a ghastly interview with Narcissa or Bellatrix saying they knew all along. However his mother, who would have plenty of things to say about it, wouldn’t lower herself to talk to a rag. While he didn’t personally hold these views, he knew the real world and how it acted. 

Kingsley had once told him that sex between two men was illegal in Scotland. It was still illegal. Technically whenever he and Kingsley met in private they were breaking the law, however the laws weren’t strictly upheld by the Wizards despite the fact they were supposed to. 

In England or Wales you had to be twenty-one to have sex. Over the summer before his last year of school, despite not having anal sex, he would go to a muggle gay bar where they played songs by a band called ABBA. During that time he told people that he had just turned twenty-one, he figured the men he had been with knew the truth he wasn’t but didn’t say anything about it. When he was in muggle London, he had to be careful of what he did and how he acted. The police didn’t take kindly to the gay crowd.

One night he had spent the night in lockup, he had managed to jinx his face before it so it wasn’t obvious who he was or couldn’t identify him. It was an interesting night which he vowed he would never experience again. He was young and naive, he had been kissing a man outside the club they had been dancing in and the police didn’t like the look of them. Luckily the man who Sirius couldn’t remember the name of lived with an older gay friend who managed to get them out, as there was no proof that they had been doing anything illegal. Sirius knew he could’ve left whenever, but he risked breaking wizarding law which would’ve landed him in more hot water than he already was.

Later that night, Lily, Remus and him were lying on the couches and drinking. At nine she had sent the younger kids, the two first years and a third year up to their rooms. Sirius didn’t recognise any of them, so they weren’t very important. 

Remus had a charmed record player and was playing a sad song. It was too sad for Sirius’ liking. It was about a songbird or something. “Who is this? She sounds sad,” Sirius asked as he sat up, careful not to spill any of the fire whisky he had in his cup.

“Fleetwood Mac, it’s their album Rumours,” Remus replied. 

“It’s still sad,” Sirius replied, the information didn’t make the song happier, she was lamenting about love and birds. “She thinks it’s alright when she’s with them, but it’s still sad.”

“You’ve never heard of Fleetwood Mac?” Remus asked, he was lying on his stomach on the floor. He had taken a sip of his drink, he looked dazed.

“No, should I?” Sirius frowned.

“This album is very popular. It sold over ten million copies,” Lily chimed in. When Lily didn’t have a wand up her arse, for whatever reason she thought was reasonable, she wasn’t half bad. 

“She loves him,” Sirius commented as the woman sang I love you over and over. He got the point, she loved him whoever he was.

“She does,” Remus agreed.

“Still sad,” Sirius replied. It was dampening the mood.

A few minutes later Lily suggested that they play a game of truth and Sirius figured it was his best time to use the veritaserum. When would he ever get the chance to ask Remus questions? It’s not like he wants to embarrass the poor guy. You can’t black mail if everyone already knows the secrets. 

After Sirius came downstairs from the dorm with the veritaserum, he said that the youngest goes first assuming it was Remus. It did turn out to be him. Lily explained that you ask someone something, they answer it and then they ask someone else. Remus then asked what happens if someone lies and Sirius explained that veritaserum was a truth potion, so it wasn’t possible.

As Remus thought about what to ask, his lips twisted and Sirius wanted to lean across the space between them to kiss him. “Lily, who was your first kiss?”

“Kingsley Shacklebolt,” Lily said, her face turned red as her hair. 

“You kissed Kingsley?” Sirius asked. It was weird thinking that her and Kingsley kissed, after all Kingsley was his, more or less.

“Yes,” she confirmed. “Sirius, what’s your opinion on Dorcas Meadowes?”

“I’ve never talked to her before really, don’t have an opinion on her,” Sirius shrugged. 

“Take a drink and I’m going to ask the question again,” Lily narrowed her eyes, probably believing that he was lying. He brought the cup up to his lips and took a mouthful of it, then swallowed. She shook her head and passed her cup to him. “No, out of my cup. I don’t believe you.”

“Fine,” Sirius rolled his eyes and took a mouthful of her drink before passing it back.

“What is your opinion on Dorcas Meadowes?” she repeated her question.

“She’s okay, I haven’t had a proper conversation with her before so I can’t comment on it.”

“You have a crush on her.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Did you ever have a crush on her?”

“No,” Sirius said. He had enough of all the questions so he decided to ask Lily one in return. If he asked Remus questions repeatedly, it would be obvious what he was doing. Espionage is a talent, a talent he had. “My turn. Lily, why aren’t you at home for Christmas?”

“My awful sister got married to an awful man and I don’t want to see either of them.” Lily shrugged. “Remus, what is your favourite type of weather?”

“I like snow, where I grew up there was a lot of it. It reminds me of my mum,” Remus said wistfully. “Sirius, why are you a rich asshole?”

“I’m rich because my uncle died and left me all his money, I’m an asshole because nobody asks questions if you’re a big enough dick,” Sirius explained. “Remus, what made you come to Hogwarts?”

“My mother died, I didn’t want to be around my father. She was Welsh and Dumbledore reached out,” Remus said, debunking the rumour that his mum had cancer and that’s who he was visiting once a month. Where did he go once a month? It was a proper conspiracy and Sirius was going to be the one that got to the bottom of it.

Lily’s eyes narrowed. “You said your mother had cancer and that’s where you were all those times.”

“She had cancer, she died over the summer. I lied about where I go,” Remus confessed quietly. Whatever the truth was behind the lies he had been telling, it was something he was ashamed of. Sirius could tell.

“Where do you go?” Lily asked.

“It’s Remus’ turn to ask,” Sirius cut in before Remus could answer. It was only going to be him who was the reason Remus’ secrets were going to be exposed. 

“Lily, what is the meanest thing you ever told someone?” Remus asked. It was a topic that was far from the previous one, he probably chose it on purpose.

“I told my sister that she is a bitch and her perm doesn’t suit her,” Lily said proudly. Sirius had seen her sister from a distance at the end of the last term, she resembled a horse. 

“Good for you, Red.” Sirius smiled. 

Lily pressed her lips together and twisted them, “Sirius, what happened with your parents, why did you run away?”

“I had enough of them,” Sirius said. It wasn’t a lie but also wasn’t the complete truth. The potion made you want to say everything but he could somewhat control that.

“Oh.” Lily blinked.

“Remus, why did you lie about your mother being alive?” Sirius asked, bringing it back to the topic of Remus’ lies. Remus was a lot more interesting than Sirius had thought at the start.

“I didn’t want people to ask questions,” Remus said looking at the floor. “Sirius, who would you hate to see naked?” 

“Snape,” Sirius admitted. It was the complete truth, he would rather see Slughorn naked than Snape. He would rather see Mary naked than Snape. It was definitely Snape. The trauma that would come with seeing Snape naked was too much.

“Same,” Lily hummed in agreement despite it not being her question.

“Lily, who is your crush?” Sirius asked her. He couldn’t seem too interested in Remus, he had to give Lily some of the attention too. At least with this answer, if she said James he could tell him. 

Lily went bright red. “James.”

“James Potter?” Sirius asked for clarification.

“Yes,” She huffed. “Remus, what is your biggest fear?”

“The full moon,” Remus answered.

“How ominous,” Sirius laughed a little.

Remus looked at Sirius, their eyes met briefly and there was a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Sirius, if you had to kiss someone in this room, who would it be?” 

“You,” Sirius said. It wasn’t a question he wanted to answer but he could play it off like it’s because of James or something. It could be because of James. “No offence, Red.”

“Good, I don’t want to kiss you either,” Lily commented. 

“Lily, what is  _ your _ biggest fear?” Sirius asked her the question.

“My family dying,” Lily explained.

“Grim,” Sirius said. It wasn’t nearly as interesting as what it could’ve been. It was rather boring and somewhat predictable. 

“Remus, why are you scared of the full moon?” Lily asked. 

“I’m a werewolf,” Remus admitted. 

“Shit,” Lily said as she brought her hand up to her mouth.

“Well, fuck,” Sirius’ eyes widened. Sure made sense, however, it was completely unexpected. Sirius remembered how Remus reacted when he called him wolf boy. “Your name is Remus Lupin and you’re a werewolf, that is fucking hilarious.”

“Sirius,” Lily hissed.

“What? His parents had a sense of humour, I’ll give them that,” Sirius laughed weakly. Remus Lupin was a werewolf that was named after two very wolf things.

“I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have asked if I had known…” Lily looked at Remus, she leant across and took his hand in hers. It was a simple gesture but Remus looked comforted by it. Remus shouldn’t get comfort from her, he should get it from him. Sirius could take Remus in his arms and Remus would relax into it, his back against Sirius’ chest. “Sirius, promise you won’t tell anyone.”

“I promise,” Sirius agreed. He wasn’t going to go around and spread it, despite popular belief that Sirius tells James everything, it wasn’t true. 

“Like you mean it.” Lily frowned.

Sirius scoffed. “I’ve taken veritaserum, what else do you want?” 

“Unbreakable vow,” she suggested.

“No.” Sirius shook his head. That was a bit dramatic, he wasn’t going to hurt Remus or spread anything about him but that didn’t mean he was willing to put his life on the line. If he did, what if Dumbledore asked him questions, he wouldn’t be able to talk about it. “Shit, I don’t want to die.”

“You won’t die if you don’t tell anyone,” she bit back. 

“I’m not doing an unbreakable vow,” he reinforced before looking at Remus in his eyes. They were a rich brown and were beautiful. “No offence, Remus. I won’t die for a man. I refuse. I promise I won’t tell anyone but that’s all.”

“Are you scared?” 

“Yes I’m fucking scared. What part of I don’t want to die, don’t you get?” 

“Will you tell anyone?” 

“I don’t plan on it.”

“Can we stop talking about it, please?” Remus finally spoke up. It brought the realisation that this was something that impacted Remus’ life. He probably won’t be able to get a job because he would have to be registered as a werewolf and no one would willingly do it. His heart ached for the future that Remus had, there wasn’t much he could do about it either.

“It’s your turn,” Sirius told Remus, abiding by his wishes. Something that Lily didn’t do.

“Lily, who was your first school crush?” Remus said, as if it was the first thing that came to his mind. Sirius hoped it was a random question that came to mind and he hadn’t been thinking about it.

“Sirius,” Lily admitted.

Sirius’ eyes went wide. This was a larger shock than Remus being a werewolf. Lily, at some point, fancied him. “What?” 

“I was eleven, I thought you were cute. It was nothing more than that,” Lily shrugged, however her face was pink with embarrassment. If James found out about that, he would be pissed. “Sirius, why did you break up with Mary?”

“I didn’t want to have sex with her,” Sirius shrugged. It was the catalyst of them breaking up, if she hadn’t tried to have sex with him, he would’ve stayed with her. Sex was crossing the line. 

“Why?” 

“When I lose my virginity, I want it to be with someone I love, I don’t love Mary.”

“Why don’t you love Mary?”

“She’s not my type.”

“Is looks all that matters to you?”

“No.”

“Why don’t you like Mary, Sirius?”

“I…” Sirius mumbled. The words ‘I’m gay’ was bursting to come out. He bit down on his tongue to stop it. This wasn’t how he was going to come out, he was going to wait until school was over. He would live like Uncle Alphard, happy and unassuming. 

“That’s not the rules of the game, Lily. It’s his turn,” Remus cut in. It made Sirius extremely grateful for Remus’ existence.

“I’m going to bed,” Sirius said and went up to the dorm. He wasn’t tired and didn’t want to do the homework that had been assigned tomorrow or really ever, so he decided it was the perfect chance. There would be quiet and without James around he wouldn’t get distracted.


	8. A Gift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is wasnt beta'd so... if it sucks that's why

**25TH OF DECEMBER, 1977**

THE door opened what seemed like an hour later and Remus walked in. The door made a clicking sound as it shut behind the boy and he walked across the room to the bed that was next to Sirius’. “Merry Christmas,” Remus announced.

“Oh, is it the 25th?” Sirius asked. He hadn’t even realised they passed midnight. Time Flew.

“Yeah, five minutes ago,” Remus shared.

“Merry Christmas to you too,” Sirius replied. His mind went back to when Remus changed the subject when Lily was asking about Mary. “Thanks.”

Remus frowned. “For?”

“Changing the subject when Lily was asking about Mary,” Sirius clarified.

“Oh, it’s fine.” Remus shrugged as he opened the curtains around his bed. He got into his bed and shut the curtains. “Good night,” his voice came from behind the curtains. 

“Can I ask you something?” Sirius asked he didn’t want the conversation to end so soon.

“If it has to do with my condition, no,” Remus replied. It was a decent request. 

“Why did you only start going to Hogwarts now?” Sirius asked.

“I don’t know, Dumbledore found me.”

“Found you where?”

“Wales.”

“Why were you there?”

“I was trying to find my mother’s family.”

“Why?”

“Because…” Remus said, there was a sharp intake of breath that came from behind his curtains. “I didn’t want to see my father and thought Wales was the place to be.”

“What happened to your father?” Sirius asked. Maybe they both had fucked up dads, maybe it was something that could bring them together and closer.

“Nothing,” Remus replied. Obviously, the potion must’ve worn off because it was clear that something had happened, he had essentially admitted it before.

“Something must’ve happened,” Sirius claimed.

“He was the reason I was bitten,” Remus said.

“Fuck,” Sirius muttered as he looked up at the canopy of his bed. That was an awful thought, it wouldn’t be something above Orion though. Not that Orion knew or would keep werewolves as company.

In the morning, Sirius went into the common room. Lily and Remus were by the fire talking about something. He didn’t expect him and Remus to be best friends and Lily was carrying hate around for him. 

Sirius checked under the tree and found presents from James, the Potter’s, Peter and his cousin Andromeda. He picked them up and took them back to the dormitory, put them on the bed before he made his way to the Great Hall for breakfast.

As Sirius put food into his plate, a tomato, baked beans, toast, egg and bacon, he noticed someone sit across from him. He figured it was Snape as he would be the only person who would approach him, before he looked up he ran through all the hexes he knew. 

When he looked up, it was Remus. Curly hair and a smile. Some moles peeked out of the collar of his shirt and up his neck. Sirius hadn’t noticed but there was a faint scar across his face. He wondered if it was because of his condition.

“Merry Christmas,” Remus said as he passed a present. It was rectangular and wrapped in brown paper. 

“Oh, thank you,” Sirius took the gift from Remus. If Sirius had known that Remus was getting him something, he would’ve got him something too. “I… I didn’t get you anything.”

“That’s fine,” Remus replied, his head was resting in his hand. 

Sirius unwrapped it, it was a black book. James Baldwin was in bright red font, followed by Giovanni’s room in a light blue. Reading wasn’t something that Sirius enjoyed, he always found himself getting bored and hadn’t read a book for fun in years. Mainly because all the themes in wizard literature were the same, class status and blood purity. Or at least that’s everything that his mother and father read. “It’s a book.”

“Yeah,” Remus said. “It’s about an American man who goes to Paris and basically his relationships with people. It’s my favourite book.”

“Thank you for thinking of me.” Sirius smiled and he put the book to the side, he didn’t want to get food on it. However he did flip the book over and read the back, it was basically what Remus said. 1950s Paris, Americans, violence and morality. A controversial story of death and passion. Blah, blah, blah. 

“It’s okay,” Remus replied with a smile on his face. His eyes went to the book and then back up to Sirius. “It’s second hand but I went through it and made sure there weren’t any tears. I couldn’t afford much more.”

“It’s okay,” Sirius acknowledged despite knowing that he wouldn’t read the book. There wasn’t any desire in him to read it. The last thing Sirius wanted to do was spend his time reading about an American man and his Parisian relationships. Not that he would admit it to Remus, he didn’t want to hurt his feelings and it would be rude of him. It was a gift after all.

“Can I eat with you?” Remus asked.

Sirius frowned. It wasn’t as if he didn’t want to spend time with Remus and his new less hostile personality if anything Sirius would love to eat with him. However, if Lily was going to join in the middle of it, he wanted out. “What happened to Lily?”

“Sorry, I… I’ll just go,” Remus apologised and looked around the table as if he was going to collect his belongings, which he didn’t bring with him. He put both hands on the table as if he was going to push himself up. “I hope you like the book.”

“I wasn’t… you can eat with me… just Lily, you normally eat with her,” Sirius quickly corrected. He didn’t want Remus to leave, the more time he spent with him the better. 

“She’s not feeling well.” Remus shrugged. After dating Mary, Sirius was more aware of the female anatomy than he had ever hoped for and figured it was her time of the month.

“Oh,” Sirius nodded, very glad that Lily probably wasn’t going to interrupt them. “Did you go to Ilvermorny?”

“No, I went to a no-maj school.”

“What?”

“I went to a school with non-magic people.”

“Why?”

“No one knew the truth was okay with me around.”

“Oh.” 

“Is being… you know… okay here?”

“No, but my parents hate werewolves and I like whatever my parents hate and vice versa,” Sirius explained. He didn’t want that information to end up in Snape’s hands or his brother’s, it would be a disaster. There would be a manhunt. “I wouldn’t go spreading that information around.”

Remus looked down at his plate, there was sadness in his eyes. He probably hoped that since he and Lily look it rather well, that everyone thinks the same. It was far from the truth. Sirius wasn’t even sure if he was okay with what he was. “Okay.”

“What was it like being surrounded by people who didn’t do magic?” Sirius changed the subject. He couldn’t imagine going to a muggle school, being surrounded by muggles. It seemed odd. 

“Eh, not that bad. Most people at my school did think I was in a gang and stayed away,” Remus laughed. It wasn’t a happy laugh but an awkward one.

“Why? I thought someone like you would’ve had a girlfriend or something,” Sirius said. Once the words left his lips, he realised how gay it sounded. It was almost a compliment, guys don’t compliment each other like that. He hoped that Remus wouldn’t take it that way.

Remus’ eyes flickered to the book and then back up at Sirius. “I wasn’t a loner or anything… There were people I sat with… in school and classes, I just didn’t do anything with them outside of it.”

“How was school different?” Sirius asked. He had no experience with muggle schools or American ones, were they different from Hogwarts?

“We didn’t have uniforms, we wore whatever we wanted. We didn’t do magic,” Remus shrugged.

“How did you learn magic?”

“My father was a wizard, well is, it’s not like he stopped being one when I left.”

“Your mother?”

“No-maj.”

“How did they meet?”

“My parents? My dad was in Wales and they met there… I was born here and everything, then the infliction happened and they moved across the world.”

“If I were to move to America, I would go to California. Always warm.”

“I like the cold.”

“Oh.”

Remus stood up from the table, Sirius looked at his plate and it was clear. It felt like their conversation had just started, he didn’t want it to be over so soon. Remus shoved his hands in his pockets. “I um… thanks for eating with me.”

“Yeah, it’s okay.” Sirius smiled up at him. If Sirius was completely honest, he was smitten with him despite the werewolf thing. He knew he had to be careful about how he continued this, it wasn’t as if they would even get together but Sirius didn’t even know Remus’ sexuality. For all Sirius knew, Remus could be a raging homophobe.

Remus leaned over the table and tapped the book. “I hope you like the book.”

“See you at dinner,” Sirius replied.

“No, you won’t.” Remus was looking at the exit of the hall. 

“What?” Sirius frowned.

“Full moon,” Remus looked up at the ceiling, it was currently charmed to look like it was snowing. It probably was outside.

“The full moon is on Christmas? That’s shit,” Sirius said. It did sound awful, it was if you got served a poo pie and was expected to eat it. Not that Sirius knew what that was like, however, Regulus did.

“Yeah, I’ll see you in a few days,” Remus replied as he walked towards the exit of the hall. Trying to be as unnoticeable, Sirius quickly looked at his arse before going back to his food.

*

**26TH OF DECEMBER, 1977**

Sirius sat by Remus’ bed in the hospital wing. When Sirius woke up on Boxing Day, he had decided to visit Remus. On his way out of the dorm, he grabbed the book that was on the table by Remus’ bed. The book titled the Catcher in the Rye. After Sirius had cast a silencing spell in the hospital ward, he read the book to Remus as he slept. In Sirius’ opinion, it wasn’t enjoyable, he wanted to punch the main character a lot.

“Sirius?” Remus’ groggy voice filled the room. 

“Hi,” Sirius replied. Since he had been reading from the book from the start of it and Remus' bookmark was already halfway through it, he was fine with shutting it without knowing where he was up to. It wasn’t like he would read the book on his own accord outside that moment of boredom. Doing absolutely nothing seemed like a better way to spend time than to read that book.

“What are you doing here?” Remus frowned.

For the first time, Sirius really took in Remus' appearance. He looked tired, as if he had run a marathon then proceeded to stay up all night. “I came to see my new best friend. 

“Were you reading to me?” Remus asked as he motioned to the book in Sirius’ hand with his head.

“Yeah, it was just your book.” 

“Oh, what do you think of it?”

“I don’t like it. The main character annoys me.”

“He reminds me of you, in a way.”

“He is nothing like me.”

“If you say so,” Remus shrugged. It was obvious he wasn’t trying to cause any shit, so Sirius decided to let it go. 

“What do you do normally while here?” Sirius asked to change the subject.

“Read, catch up on homework, depends,” Remus shrugged. 

“Well, now you have me to keep you company,” Sirius beamed at the American boy.

Remus laughed weakly but clutched his side when he did. It must hurt to laugh from the transformations. If Sirius ever met the wolf version of Remus, he would fight him for putting such an angelic person in pain, he deserved better. “Yeah,” Remus said breathlessly.

“Do you want to play exploding snap with me?” Sirius asked as he pulled a deck of cards from the pocket of his trousers.

“Sure,” Remus smiled.

While he was dealing out the cards it occurred to Sirius that he didn't know when Remus’ birthday was. He didn't want to miss it if it hadn't already passed. “When is your birthday?” 

“March tenth,” Remus said. “I’m a Pisces.”

“I don’t know what I am,” Sirius stated. From the way Remus added his astrological sign, it seemed like it was either meant to mean something or add some further insight. It did neither.

Remus pursed his lips. “Your birthday was in November?”

“Yeah, the 3rd,” Sirius added.

“You’re a Scorpio,” Remus said with a matter of fact tone in his voice.

“What does that mean?” Sirius asked. It wasn’t a subject he was overly interested in but it seemed to have piqued Remus’ interest and Sirius wanted to indulge that and know more about the boy. 

“Passionate, stubborn, loyal and charismatic,” Remus explained.

“Nice,” Sirius nodded. He was sure James would describe him like that without knowing what a Scorpio was. “What about you?”

“Empathetic, romantic... elusive and closed off,” Remus listed off. The way Remus said romantic it seemed as if there was some connotation to it but Sirius brushed it off as projection of his own feelings. However, when he had said the word, it was almost as if Remus was making a point of looking at Sirius. Though Sirius felt like he had projected those feelings again.

“Huh…” Sirius nodded. It was a little nugget of knowledge that Sirius could put into his Remus Lupin folder and come back to it some point in the future. “I’m pretty sure they teach it in divination here.”

Remus smiled. “I know, I take it.” 

“You take it?” Sirius asked. He couldn’t picture Remus sitting in the smoky room and talking about oracles, the stars and how they influence lives and also tealeaves. It was a somewhat amusing thought.

“Yeah, I chose it as a class that doesn’t require effort. However, I have picked up some stuff,” Remus confided. A smile made its way onto Sirius' lips as that was the reason he had done it in year 5, it seemed like an easy enough subject that he didn’t have to focus on. 

“I mean it would make you have more things in common with birds,” Sirius told him. It seemed that girls were into that bullshit with the exception of Peter, who took the subject and was surprisingly good at it. When they did their OWLS he got O for it, it was the only O that Peter had got and he was proud of it. The subject was pointless but Sirius wouldn’t ever tell that to Peter. He would let him think it was a great achievement. 

“What, like owls?” Remus asked with a frown on his face. It was a rather interesting thing to imagine, talking and having things in common with owls. 

Sirius laughed. “Girl.” 

“Oh, I guess. Most of the class is girls now that I think of it,'' Remus said with a look of thought on his face as if he hadn't noticed it until then. Sirius wasn't even into girls and he knew that it was a subject more popular with them, with the fair few exceptions of boys. “What actually happened with Mary?”

“I was telling the truth about the sex thing,” Sirius said.

“I know, but before I cut it off. What didn’t you want to say?” Remus quizzed.

“I used her,” Sirius shrugged. Since the potion had worn off, he didn’t have to tell him all the facts of what happened. 

Remus frowned, “oh, for what?” 

“To help James get with Lily… don’t ask how… it’s stupid,” Sirius explained. He wasn’t about to confide the entire truth with Remus, he didn’t know how well he could trust him. It wasn’t because of Remus’ condition but if word got out of Sirius’ sexuality, he thought he might as well die. “I just want to make it clear, I don’t hate Mary or anything. I don’t even dislike her. I like her a lot, that’s why I broke up with her. She deserved better.”

“Okay,” Remus slotted his fingers together and stretched his arms out. “So, explain exploding snap to me.”

“You’ve never played?” Sirius smiled.

“Nope,” Remus shook his head.


	9. A Secret Found Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, not beta'd so......

**9TH OF JANUARY, 1978**

IT was uncomfortable, Kingsley had pushed Sirius up against a table. It was digging into Sirius’ butt with the way Kingsley was kissing him and pushing him against it, despite that, it was worth it. Sirius was being kissed as if Kingsley was scared that he was going to lose him. 

“I missed you,” Kingsley muttered as his lips kissed down Sirius’ neck. It had been months since they had last met up to get off, however, when Kingsley had seen Sirius, he must’ve got incredibly turned on because he told Sirius to meet him in one of the empty classrooms. Kingsley’s hands found their way to Sirius’ bum and started groping him. “These jeans, fuck.”

“Do you like them?” Sirius asked as he inhaled deeply. When kissing Sirius always had to remind himself to breathe because when he gets a moment to catch his breath he is panting. The jeans were straight cut, rips over where his knees were and were tight around his arse. When he got the jeans, they weren’t as tight as they were now, he had gained more muscle.

“They’re the bane of my existence,” Kingsley confessed as he slotted his knee between Sirius’ legs. “I hate how you strut around in them, it should be illegal.”

Sirius laughed. “I don’t strut.”

“If you say so,” Kingsley replied, as he kissed back up to Sirius’ lips. 

“I don’t,” Sirius said as his fingers went to Kingsley’s waistband, undid the button that fastened his trousers slid down the space he made between Kingsley’s skin and his underpants. A smile formed on Sirius’ face while Kingsley’s hand went from Sirius’ arse to grabbing the desk when Sirius wrapped his hand around his member.

“Fuck,” Kingsley moaned. 

The door flung open and James’ voice rang through Sirius’ ears. “I caught you!”

There wasn’t enough time to remove his hand from Kingsley without it going unnoticed. When Sirius looked over at James, he was standing there looking stunned with the map in his hands. Sirius swore he had taken it with him but obviously not. Whatever James was expecting to have caught Sirius doing, it wasn’t what he did find. By the look on his face, James definitely did see Sirius giving Kingsley a handjob.

“I guess you did,” Sirius told James. At least now he didn’t have to have a formal coming out, it was a hurdle he was thrown over rather than jumped. Did he want it to happen that way? No, but it was too late now.

James looked back and forth between Kingsley and Sirius, his jaw was slack with surprise. “What are you doing?” 

“Exactly what it looked like we were doing,” Kingsley said annoyed, his body faced the intruder.

“I can explain,” Sirius cut in. He hasn’t thought about what exactly he was going to say but it wouldn’t be the first time he talked out of his arse. 

“Explain then,” James frowned. 

“He likes blokes,” Kingsley stated, not letting Sirius even get a word in.

“Kingsley,” Sirius said his name as venom on the tongue.

Kingsley turned to Sirius. “What? It’s the truth.”

“James… I…” Sirius started to say but didn’t know what to say. What was there to say? The scene spoke the words that Sirius didn’t want to say, but forced their way out. 

“Are you really gay?” James asked.

“If I say yes are we still going to be friends?” Sirius questioned back. 

“Sirius, if he doesn’t want to be friends with you because of our relationship then you shouldn’t want to be his friend,” Kingsley interrupted. Why did he always insert himself into situations that he wasn’t a part of? 

_ Our Relationship _ , those words plagued Sirius. It didn’t matter how many times he told Kingsley that they weren’t dating, he always said they were. If it wasn’t annoying, Sirius would admire his persistence. “We’re not dating.”

“Why do you always do this?” Kingsley asked frustratedly. 

“Because we’re not. I told you when everything with Mary happened that we weren’t together. That hasn’t changed,” Sirius explained. He was meant to be focusing on James and the fact that his best friend — his brother, had found him in the middle of a homosexual act. 

“You’re an arse, Sirius.” Kingsley fixed his trousers properly before walking to the door. Halfway to the door, he turned back. “Good luck with this. I don’t want any part of it.”

Once Kingsley had left the room, Sirius managed to turn all his attention to James. Everything with Kingsley could wait, or maybe he would get over the incident by himself in a few weeks. For whatever reason Kingsley never managed to stay angry at him for too long. 

“I’m still Sirius,” Sirius said. There wasn’t any point in denying the gay part now, it was pretty obvious that he was. 

“I can’t believe you lied to me. All this time I’ve been sharing a room with you, my parents took you in because you had nowhere else to go,” James said. It was somehow a mix of Sirius’ nightmare and exactly what he thought would happen. 

“I’m thankful for that,” Sirius replied. It was like their friendship was a boat that was sinking, Sirius was trying to save it though it was pointless and James had already abandoned the ship. 

James slowly backed out of the room, as if Sirius was a dangerous creature that could attack at any time. “Stay away and if you don’t then I’ll tell everyone about you.”

It was only Sirius left in the room, everyone had left him. Sirius knew that they had been heading towards that moment and it would happen, no matter how hard he tried to stop it, somethings were just inevitable. 

Sirius left the cold room and walked back to the common room. James and Peter weren’t in the room, so Sirius assumed they were somewhere talking about what happened. Such is life.

There were two empty armchairs in the corner, Sirius sat in one of the chairs and pulled out his arithmancy book. It wasn’t his first choice of something to do but it took his mind off it.

Ten minutes later Remus sat down in the empty seat. “Why are you sitting alone?”

“James isn’t talking to me and Peter always takes James’ side,” Sirius said looking up from the book. Arithmancy was hardly important when Remus Lupin wanted to talk. 

“What happened?” Remus asked. 

“It’s private,” Sirius said. He liked Remus a lot but after how James reacted, it wasn’t worth it. No matter how much Sirius wanted to lean across and kiss him, he wouldn’t do it. 

“Okay,” Remus nodded, he just accepted it. Somehow he was the most perfect person.

“How’s… life?” Sirius changed the subject. It hurt a lot to think about. 

Remus shrugged. “It’s okay.”

“How’re your classes?” Sirius asked.

“They’re fine,” Remus laughed with a small smile on his face. 

“Okay,” Sirius said looking down at his book. There were words on the page, none of them meant anything to Sirius, not when words left Remus’ mouth.

“Okay,” Remus said. “Do you… Doesn’t matter.”

“No, tell me or ask me,” Sirius looked up at him. His eyes were brown mixed with gold, they were the most beautiful eyes Sirius had ever seen. 

“Did I do something? Was I too forward?” Remus questioned. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” Sirius answered. Nothing came to mind on why Remus would think that, what was there to be forward about? 

“The book I gave you,” Remus clarified.

“I haven’t read it yet, sorry. I don’t really read books,” Sirius said. It was probably ironic how he had a book sitting in his lap but he didn’t read for pleasure. Books weren’t his thing, however, it was attractive that Remus was into them. 

“Oh, you haven’t opened it?” Remus questioned. 

“No, why?”

“No reason.”

“Okay.”

“You haven’t really talked to me since everyone came back, I thought maybe that I scared you away or something.”

“Why? Was the book about cannibalism or something?”

“No, why?”

“I don’t know why I would be scared away because of a book.”

“It’s nothing, it’s stupid.”

“I’ll read it later,” Sirius promised. It probably was going to get broken but he would at least open it, that way he could say he tried. Maybe it would impress Remus, maybe reading was something he found incredibly attractive when people do. Hopefully to the point he might overlook the fact that they are both boys.

“It’s fine, really.” Remus shrugged.

“I will,” Sirius promised again. 

“Okay,” Remus smiled and then looked at his watch. Everything about Remus was incredibly attractive, his hands and wrists, the curl of his lip when he smiled, the gold in his eyes. “Do you mind if I eat dinner with you?”

“No, you can, let me just put my stuff away,” Sirius said as he shoved his book back in his bag. 

He walked up the first few stairs to appear calm and cool in front of Remus, but once he was out of eyeshot, he ran up to the dorm. Once inside the room, it was deserted. Sirius three the bag on his bed, the book he was given by Remus was gone but it had probably just fallen off the table. On the way back down the stairs, Sirius skipped three at a time but slowed down when he figured Remus could see him. 

“You ready?” Remus asked.

“Yeah,” Sirius said. 

They walked down to the Great Hall, people were congregating and eating. There was an empty space towards the back of the hall at the Gryffindor table. Sirius took it upon himself to sit there, it would be easier to have a private conversation without people overhearing. 

“Do you miss home?” Sirius asked as he spooned shepherds pie onto his plate. It didn’t look very nice but he did like it.

“Not home as such but I miss my mom,” Remus said as he put the mashed potato on his plate. 

“I’m sorry about that, my uncle died around Easter. After I left home, he supported me. It’s hard to lose people close to you,” Sirius said. He wasn’t very good at comforting people, it was something he needed to get better at but he could kind of relate to Remus. The fact he tried would hopefully count as something.

“Yeah,” Remus sighed. 

“What about your father?” Sirius asked. 

“Sometimes, but it’s best if I stay away,” Remus replied as he stabbed the cabbage with his fork. 

Sirius raised his eyebrow. In no world would it be best if Remus stayed away, he made everything better. “Why do you say that?” 

“After… it happened, I think my father would’ve been happy for me to die. Not that he wanted me dead but he didn’t want a monster for a son. My mom though, she didn’t care, I think I could’ve murdered the whole town and she would've still loved me.” Remus smiled weakly.

“That’s quite sweet,” Sirius said. The part about his mother was sweet, however, Sirius didn’t like Remus’ father despite never meeting the man. 

“Now she’s gone, there wasn’t much keeping me there. My father moved us across the world so no one would find out about me,” Remus continued. 

The information Remus shared made its way into Sirius’ brain. If there had been nothing keeping him in America, that implied that he wasn’t dating someone or if he was, they weren’t a reason to stay. “I’m sorry,” Sirius replied.

“Sometimes I wonder how different life would’ve been if I didn’t get bitten or if we just stayed here,” Remus voiced.

Sirius smiled. “We would’ve been friends for longer.”

“Okay,” Remus laughed at what Sirius said.

“That night, you said that Dumbledore found you or something, what happened?” Sirius asked. He wanted to know everything about Remus, he wanted to know all his dreams and ambitions, what he wanted in life. 

Remus took a deep breath, for a moment Sirius was scared that he had offended him, but he didn’t seem angry or upset. “I was staying near a town where my mom was from, the full moon came and people complained about a wolf. Somehow Dumbledore found me, he knew exactly who I was. It was rather creepy.”

“Why weren’t you on the train?” Sirius queried. There were so many questions to ask, but that had been one that plagued him since the day Remus showed up. 

“I was already here, the full moon was a few nights before. I was in the ward,” Remus explained. Despite it not being a nice conversation, it was nice how they were talking and Remus was open with sharing what had happened. 

Sirius frowned. It hadn’t been what he was expecting. “Oh.”

“Were you expecting something different?” Remus looked up from his plate.

“I don’t know what I was expecting,” Sirius said truthfully. The reason Remus gave him made the most amount of sense but since Sirius didn’t keep track of the moon cycle it wasn’t like he knew. Every month Remus went through the change, he wondered if it hurt. It must, his entire body changes. “Does it hurt?”

“All the time,” Remus said.

“Is there anything that helps?” Sirius asked. There must be something out there that could help Remus every month, there must be something Sirius could do. It was unfair that someone as good as Remus had to go through that.

“Not really,” Remus answered the question.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius apologised.

“It’s okay,” Remus replied.

“I wish there was something I could do,” Sirius voiced.

“Just being my friend is enough.” Remus smiled.


End file.
